I'm 30 and I have struggled with self-mutilation since I was 16. It's something of an addiction, in a way, because for me it is an effective way of immediate relief for the emotional pain I deal with on a daily basis. I did not use this maladaptive coping mechanism for the greater part of my 20s; however, when I was 27, I became addicted to heroin, and it is only now that I am recovered from that addiction that I realize intravenous heroin use is just another form of self-mutilation. Every time I used I wished it would be enough to be an overdose.

For me, in addition to the temporary relief from emotional pain, I also realize that I was putting scars on myself in visible places because I felt like my outside had to match my scarred inside that no one could see because I present well and appear to have my ducks all in a row.

My most recent episode was on August 15, where I severed an artery in my forearm (my place of choice) and had to have 6 stitches to close it up in the ER. I haven't done it since, and I think it was a good wakeup call, because I could very easily have let myself bleed to death. I have never seen so much blood coming from my body; it was like a faucet. It scared me enough to drive myself to the ER, and also pointed out my desire to live. It's important to note that people who self-mutilate generally do not want to commit suicide, although the two can of course exist concomitantly.

I don't ever want to cut myself again, but at the same time, I get some wicked little pleasure from seeing the self-inflicted scars that plague my left upper arm and forearm. I think it's because, like I said before, with those visible scars, people can see that I'm hurting despite the well-kept appearance that I maintain.

I'm in therapy and on medications, so it's getting better. The psychologist I have now has honestly saved my life. I started working with him in February of 2013 and the improvement has been significant and lasting. I still struggle with the desire to self-harm, and I have very intrusive thoughts of suicidal ideation multiple times throughout the day, but I have no intention to act on those thoughts because I'm learning that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling and express it in other ways besides slicing my body apart.

Sorry for the long reply.