I have had awareness in the last couple days of the lack of support I have in my real, physical life. My T has said it before but I just didn't get it. I didn't understand.

I am slowly getting it now. I don't have anyone in real life outside of T. And it's because of me, my fear of people. Keeping secrets all my life has made it difficult to even know how to begin to allow people to get close enough to even know I need support.

Everyone thinks I have it altogether. I portray that on the outside and even when I am not able to, another part of my brain steps forward and continues on. But when I come back, all I feel is... well, gosh, I don't even know what I feel. But it hurts.

I don't know that I would know what to do if someone were to come over and just sit quietly with me. What if someone were to invite me over to hang with them? What if someone brought me dinner because I was struggling so much. I don't know that I could accept it. I don't know that I would know how to accept it. No one is knocking at my door to come in so there's no worry of having to deal with that. But the awareness is coming that maybe I need it? I don't know.

People scare me. Parents scare me. Life scares me. And because of that, I end up checking out more than I am here. And because of that, I am not able to figure out how to get real life support. And because of that, I often don't know how to support other people.

I'm at a loss. My plate is too full and it's starting to spill over. Right beside it is the pit that I am sinking into. And I don't know how to get the support that it appears I am becoming aware that I need.