Hi Lost. I'm so sorry this has been going on. I don't have the concentration to read all the way thru this thread. I do, however feel compelled to write to you what I should have said to my own mother years ago:

Dear Mom,
I'm so sorry for all that I put you through. I was in so much pain that I couldn't find the words. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to take responsibility for my mistakes and blamed you for many of them; they weren't your fault. I was so angry at you for not paying attention / paying too much attention / whatever. I couldn't believe that anyone could possibly love me. I don't trust love and kindness. You couldn't win. It took so long for me to trust your love; too long. How you put up with me all those years, I don't know. But I do thank you. I never tell anyone everything that's going on in my head, except maybe my T and PDoc. I never want anyone to know how bad things are. I put up walls. I never tore them completely down, but your love took alot of the bricks out. I'm so glad we got to be best friends before you died. I miss you more every day. I still feel your love in my heart. I love you, Mom.