McWilliams wasn't talking about SI specifically-- she was talking about the mascochistic personality in general. I focused in on SI because it is familiar to me. She used it as an example-- but was talking about all self-defeating behavior.

It also makes a lot of sense in regards to my fear of getting better. I have often felt that if I am 'sick' then somone will care. I am 'special.'

I remember as a kid, my mom was all over me when I was sick. Too much, in fact. But I understand now that it had to do with her anxiety problems. I remember the comfort in getting sick as a kid. Because the rest of the time, she was not present as I needed her. Always napping, watching TV, addicted to the internet, etc.

McWilliams isn't necessarily saying that if you cut yourself, it is to seek attention. We all know that if someone sees our SI, they aren't exactly going to hug us, baby us, and say that it's going to be ok. But... it is fulfills our own need to ensure that we are sick-- in hopes that our emotional needs will be filled-- perhaps with our Ts. It's unconscious-- all that we know. I hide my SI-- I'm not putting out in the open, in hopes that someone will see it and comfort me-- but it's an unconscious attempt at keeping the pain, the suffering... because I don't know any other mechanism right now.

I used to get babied a lot when I had the panic attacks. Now I don't have them anymore... so I don't get babied so much. My husband has probably run out of 'comfort patience' at this time. It's not that he doesn't support me-- but I think it gets old, you know?

That creates a great disconnect-- what happens when your self-defeating continue to occur because that is all you know-- but the consequence of them has run out.