I don’t know what to do to help my future mother-in-law. She is an all around beautiful person: very caring, sensitive, and loves her son deeply, but there are a few issues that alarm me when it comes to her future well-being.

My future mother-in-law is what you would classify as a “hoarder.” She has trouble managing her resources, loves to shop, and does not like to get rid of things, even if their useful time has expired. Currently her hoarding is affecting her financial security. She is approaching retirement age but is not in a position to save due to her storage expenses for the last few years. When she is confronted about getting rid of her storage units, all is lost. Tears, guilt-trips, excuse after excuse come out, and it is very frustrating to remain supportive (or even neutral).

My fiance recently helped her get a house that would accommodate her possessions, figuring if you can’t beat it, join it! Even if she had to live amongst her collection, it would be better financially than paying storage rent each month. She has now moved into the house but still has her units in tact (and is still paying for them). She informed my boyfriend that she cannot afford to pay him rent to stay in the house and she is constantly worrying about money for bills. She cannot understand that her storage units are what prevent her from achieving stability, and insists on keeping them. When we ask her what is in them it is clear she doesn’t really know--but the idea of getting rid of anything is just too much for her to fathom. My fiance was highly disappointed that she could not get herself together even after purchasing a house. Keeping her hoard seems to take precedent over everything else.

Another issue is that she is extremely dependent on my fiance, not just financially, but emotionally. She lives alone and doesn’t seem to have any close friends to share her feelings or occupy her time. She relies on my fiance to help her make basic decisions and when we visit it is obvious she is craving attention and human interaction. She has to be involved in every conversation and gets offended if we aren’t including her in every last thing we do--from watching television to eating meals (even if she’s not hungry).

She is very distrusting of others and likes to assume the victim role when it comes to her relationships. She also likes to befriend people that are significantly younger (and in different places in life) and these friendships are never sustainable for the long run. I am always wishing that she had a boyfriend or a companion...even a hobby or interest that would allow her to thrive and capture some independence. It alarms me that at almost 60 years old she has not ONE friend she can call and talk to or spend time with. She is healthy and vibrant, otherwise, and it doesn’t make sense for her to depend on her son the way she does.

We are now trying to plan our wedding, and I worry about how getting married might affect her. I would like to focus on starting a family and I hope her dependence issues do not get in the way. Sometimes it feels as if he already has a child to take care of, and it’s hard for me to accept that it is his mother, not a child, imposing this type of responsibility on him at this age. I don’t think it’s fair for her to rely on him for everything she does. If she were 80 and needed the support, I’d have no problem...but at this point she seems premature in her dependence.

When I talk to my fiance about his mother, things get extremely uncomfortable. He is always bringing up that I come from a good home and will not understand--and he is right. My parents would never impose themselves on us before they actually needed it and it is highly frustrating hearing her complaints over finances when she can afford to store junk for years and years. I love my fiance and his mom but I don’t know what I can do to help her onto a healthy path. When I suggest a life coach or therapist it’s like I’ve suggested locking her up in a mental facility...I need advice.