I have been paying more attention to this in my life. I really hadn't had a good understanding of what dissociation was until I began reading other's experiences with it.

I experience turmoil when others laugh. Sometimes I think they are laughing at me - but other times I just tell myself I couldn't possibly enjoy myself that much. It can be both paranoid and lonely for me to hear others laugh.

Whenever my mom gets a text message or the phone rings - I am instantly thinking one thing: my brother is calling and he is manipulating my Mom... I can't stand it. Sometimes it is not my brother - that brings me relief. But when it is my brother calling - I am instantly hurt and feeling abandoned and either fight or flee.

In social situations I typically feel like everyone hates me. Usually this is after about a month in a new crowd. Sometimes I can remain aware and battle these thoughts with opposite behaviors - but honestly it is just too painful to put myself in vulnerable places - so I fight or flee. I've quit jobs, school and creative projects because of this.

I feel like my family tries to interfere with my therapy. Sometimes I feel a block between my therapist and immediately go to that extreme. Despite reassurances the only thing that heals this is time, acceptance or the necessity to share something so very painful.

Whenever I am with my Mom or Brother - I dissociate. I literally lose my ability to remain present. That to me is how I define dissociation. I numb myself in their presence because it is litered with triggers and emotional pain - the past plays out and I imagine future occurences. Its terrible. My mom is so invalidating - that I have had to set boundaries with everything I do and say around her. She has abandoned my trust so many times that I no longer remain present around her. She is a reminder of everything bad in me. She holds no benefit of doubt for me in anything I share. So why should I be vulnerable around her and set myself up for failure? They have a lack of empathy for me, that is not love - so I just stop trying. Same goes for my brother. And sometimes my Dad.

It is soooo painful.

I can sit down for dinner with my Mom and be so spaced out that I only say one or two things and suddenly dinner is over. I liken this to - quickening a painful situation in order to escape. I avoid having to be mentally present because I am often forced to be there physically. (Family get togethers at christmas are the worst) When my Mom drives with me into the city - I am just not there anymore. I space out the entire time. In conversation she'll say things and I cannot follow. I thought I was a bad person because I wasn't a good listener - but I think it's because it is just too painful to listen. I try to listen and force myself to be present - but I am hurt so badly by it all. At some point I either fight or flee.

The problem for me - is in doing this - I bottle up all the reasons for dissociating and nothing gets solved. I am literally pushed to my limit - desiring a validating relationship with my mom, being unable to get it - and being forced to be in her presence while triggers around the fact that I will never actually be validated come in the form of intense emotions. This leads to potential for an explosion and it usually happens. Something she says will actually register and I will come out of my dissociation, confront her - then explode in anger and make matters worse.

When my brother is talking amongst my family - he is a good manipulator and sometimes the family will gather around him because he's a good, "talker." He knows of my abandonment issues. Instead of creating opportunities to involve me in the conversation in the family - or help to build me up - he will intentionally say things that he knows are triggering for me. I am sitting alone - forced to listen to all of this - but I just cannot help but be completely unable to sit through it. I cannot physically leave the room - so I dissociate. Numb myself to my brother's sociopathic ways.

My brother has had it in for me for as long as I can remember. He had held a distaste for me. He has taken every opportunity to control and manipulate in order to appear better, faster and stronger than me. The problem is - all along - he thought I actually was that threateningly good at everything person - and his manipulations only drove me further into hell.

I have years of experience doing this. Years. Makes me sick and it still bothers me. Sometimes I think that my brother caused my borderline - and the more I explore the torment he put me through - the more I realize just how bad a person he actually is.

For that reason I attribute my paranoia and need to escape on his shoulders.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz