I'd guess, if she is willing, you need outside help from psychologist or someone similar. Long ago I was in group therapy, not including my wife, and just hearing others with similar stories helped me greatly. It's very hard not knowing just what she is feeling and thinking: and I can fully understand that is a large weight to deal with, the not knowing and what I might be able to do to help her. I believe if each partner is not understanding each other, then there are other things that may also be getting in the way.