Kaliope gave you some very good advice! I couldn't have said it better. I am where you are and I don't want to do the holidays either but my son and grandkids know how I feel and will help me. Do your children understand how you feel and honor it? Well, no, they can not possibly know how it feels to you but they should be able to understand that you are grieving. Just put it out there honestly and see what happens.