Been a pretty rough ride over the last few months both in the irl and on the boards... confused and conflicted with where I'm at, withdrawing a lot as I don't like the notion of complaining or moaning.

The suicidal ideation and desire to self harm has not disappeared (does come on strong at times) but there are period breaks which I think are down to in part the medication and support I'm receiving.

With that being said, there is a fair bit of complications that have been messing with my head:

Personality disorder assessment came up with three traits that caught me off guard (I honestly thought I'd be lumbered with bpd... impression I got from the staff at the hospital though it was never verbalised) - ocpd, schizoid and schizotypal. I still don't really understand what those three encompass and those assessing me stipulated that due to me not yet being screened for aspergers, there could be conflictions there since the characteristics could be enveloped within the latter :shrug: Starting to become a tad apathetic to the whole process and it's not instilling a lot of confidence in psychological assessments (which with my background in the subject was shaky to begin with).

Therapist questioned my medication a few weeks back (in particular Sodium Valproate as a mood stabiliser) as being an odd choice and showed me it's uses in her medicinal dictionary... she mentioned that through her 25 years of experience, I was the only client she knew who didn't have epilepsy, to be put on it. Well, I didn't personally notice any change but I stopped taking it and my wife had a bit of yell at me when she found out I passed on a note written by my T to my cpn who said he'll bring it up with the p-docs with regards to a review.

Posting has become harder and harder since I left hospital (and I guess there is a correlation to becoming a staff member), and I've begun to feel isolated and separate from non staff members of the boards (which we are not). Possibly my own overactive imagination at work, but it's been getting me down and it's like there is a hole in the place of somewhere that was a home and escape from the real life crap I have to deal with I guess that's a cry out for acknowledgement that I am a person too :heh: sorry.

So yeah, that's where things stand at the moment.

On a lighter note, two of my poems are being published in a book being launched next week... nothing special.... 150 copies and no isbn number (though a publishing company has done a proper job on it) and the poems themselves were tasks to be completed rather than from my own direction... but yay... I'm in a book heh.