dealing with sobriety and pregnancy has been a struggle.
most days I feel like there's a grey cloud following me around everywhere I go. It's hard not to feel lonely at time. I hate sleeping alone.
It's hard to deal with my past, it's hard to constantly feel unsure of my future. I know I'm doing what I need to be doing to better my life. So why am I so damn depressed all the time? It's hard to not to feel like my sex/social life has gone to crap. I'm so used to reaching for the bottle to cope with my emotions, and be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I guess I didn't feel any less lonely when I was drinking at the bars everynight, and having one night stands. I hated waking up in the mornings. It was always awkward, and I felt disgusted with myself. I would stumble over to his bathroom to wash last nights makeup off and try to pull myself together before the cardrive/walk back home.

I am trying to figure out if I can just take one drink or not. Or if it really is just "One drink, One drunk". A lady at the aa meeting last night was speaking about how she started feeling good about herself, and thought she would be okay to start drinking again, and it cost her 6 years of her life. I wish I could be one of those people who could just socially drink. I always thought maybe if I was happier, and more stable I could handle myself. I'm beginning to question If that would even make any difference. I think might just have too many emotional issues and trauma in my past to be able to enjoy just a few drinks. I always seem to get carried away. Make an idiot out of myself. Sober me, and drunk me are two different people.

I have no problem flirting, and talking with men drunk, but sober I'm a even bigger mess. I have a hard time making eye contact, I get shy, and nervous. I'm trying so hard to come out of my shell. I tell myself "I am here for myself, not for the men" every time I go to A.A. But feeling as vunerable, and lonely as I do, It's hard for my eyes not to stray across the room. I guess alcohol isn't my only addiction.

My friend asked me the other night when I confessed my pregnancy to him. He looked over at me across the room " Are you one of those people who can't stand to be alone? Like your always jumping from one relationship to another" I lied, and said "No" when In reality I have had a desire for mens attention since I was 15 years old and and boys started noticing I was growing breasts. I guess I have daddy issues lol. Alcohol and sex have always gone hand in hand for me. I couldn't have one without the other lol. It was a vicious cycle. I would get super drunk, get the confidence to socialize with men I was interested in, they would take me back to their place, we would have drunk sex (I later would forget about) and depending on how much shame I was feeling in the morning I would either a) stumble back home and do the walk of shame b) have sober hungover sex So I could at least remember what It felt like , grab their number off them, to later lose it lol.

I've had a hard time not saying "SCREW IT I NEED A DRINK" lately. I feel so on edge, frustrated with myself, and others. I need to escape out of my own skin. I don't even know who i am anymore. I've spent years drowning away my sorrows. I am trying to figure out who I am, while preparing to raise a child. Alcohol got me in to this mess. Not to say my baby is a burden. But I would have never slept around, I would have never gone without protection, I would have made better decisions. I'm not ready to raise a kid, but I'm doing the best I can do to prepare myself to be able to. Going to meetings helps. i find myself feeling at home there, feeling like I could go without alcohol during the meeting, but that feeling leaves the minute I walk out that door.

My head is full of doubts, worries, regret, & shame. I feel so stuck.
I feel like one arm is being pulled towards a path of sobriety, stability, and happiness, and my other arm is being pulled back in to depression, bad decisions, trauma, addiction, and misery. I guess it's always been easier for me to screw up, and give up on myself.