I would never accuse him of raping me, on the contrary apart from that first time he always made sure I was willing, even sometimes stopped when I realized I wasn't in the mood but trying to please him. And on that first time, I think deep inside I wanted it too, but I was very scared...

But looking I wonder whether I would have gone out with him if hadn't been through years of abuse before. I feel like I turned to him, because I didn't want to live anyway so nothing mattered and that I sold myself short and in that way this relationship may have been unhealthy for me...

I haven't been able to date anyone since then and wonder if this relationship is part of the problem or not.