I would say "coping", but not so much... I am medicated. I take seven pills a day, now. Three Gabapentin, two Seroquel, two Benztropine. I feel a bit disconnected and zombie-ish, but - I suppose - that's an improvement. The only thing it doesn't take away is the pain. It just won't go away. I haven't cut since that night; I promised my friend I'd call him before I did anything, but I've not wanted to disturb him. I do want to cut, though; very badly. And that razor blade in my purse seems to be calling out to me.
As for him, we're still friends. He said that I was jealous and clingy, so we could never be more than friends. I see the jealous thing (Even though I was just messing with him most of the time; I thought he knew that...). I don't see how I'm clingy, though. I've never been called that before.
I just don't get it. I didn't change, and I told him how I was. I haven't changed; he must have. Now, he doesn't want me, and I don't know what to do. I changed my hair - which I've not done in about ten years, started wearing make-up - which I, also, haven't done in about ten years, tried to follow the "texting rules" that I found online (Don't text a guy more than twice, if he's not answered you. It's obnoxious.), tried to be the person I think he'd like, not this cowardly, maternal, naive little girl. But it didn't work. It didn't work, and I don't know why. I don't know what to do. I don't want a relationship, unless he wants one with me. I don't want to get drunk. I don't want to mindlessly flirt. I don't know what I want, and that's driving me crazy. Almost as badly as he is...
I know that I asked for this, but I don't know how I feel about this medicine. It's the new-and-improved version of me. I feel almost nothing. Then, it suddenly hits me all at once. Right now, I feel nothing, but the pain of a broken, stomped on, tortured heart. And I hate it. I hate that I let myself love him. I hate that I let myself care. This medicine is good for me, I think. But I can't help but wonder the point is in life if you go through it without feeling anything? And that's kind of where I am.
I'm broken, and he knew it. I warned him that I'm crazy. I warned him about all of it, and he said it couldn't scare him away. If my best friend - who knows me best - doesn't want me... If I scare him away... I give up. I give up on relationships. I give up on trying. I don't feel alive. I feel broken - even worse, now - and like I'm just existing in life... I need him, but he doesn't need me. And that's what it all comes down to. I'm medicated, numb (most of the time), and unwanted.
That's how I'm doing. Thank you for asking.
It's nice to be honest with someone.