So, for so long, I wanted medicine that would just make me numb. I was so tired of my chaotic, emotional mind. I wanted it all gone.
Now, it mostly is.
And you'd think I'd be really happy about that. Part of me is, but...
What is the point of life if you don't feel anything? If you're just going through it numb (except for those moments when it all comes back and hits you at once)?
I don't feel anything, most of the time, now. And that's what I wanted. But I have two settings - numb and devastatingly depressed.
It's not that I want all of the pain to come back; I still have some pain, even when I'm numb. I'm broken and broken-hearted and - honestly - I'm really scared.
The one person who makes me feel happy and euphoric has crushed my heart. I don't know where to go from here. I don't feel anything usually, and I'm so glad, sometimes. But, really, what is the point?
What is the point of us getting all medicated and numb? What is the point in living if you can't experience life? I don't want the pain back. I want to be happy. And I can't be. I can just be numb or depressed - or both. I can't see a point to living life like this.
I don't think there really is a reason to be alive at this point. There's nothing here for me. No joy, no relationship. I feel like I've lost everything, and I'm so replaceable.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this feeling...