Long ago, like ten years, I had a pretty nasty experience online. I belonged to a now closed (from mismanagement) mental health site where I was a quite stable part given moderator status, made friends, came close to people. It was both bigger and smaller than here, chat was bigger, forum was smaller. It all went well until two things happened. One was my new doc made me a med guinea pig mixed with periods where she just took away all meds. Needless to say I became quite unstable and easier to upset. The other thing, another member decided to destroy me.

Why? I saw through her attempts to play with my head. She had played other people in the past I learned later, some with very scary results. So I needed just not to talk to her. If I had known better I could have done something to make her lose interest in me. Instead I basically rejected her. Her pride was so hurt she decided to destroy my existence at the forum. I was unprepared for such lies. She basically told everyone the things she had done to me, I had done to her! What I had done was protect myself from her, by not communicating, nothing more.

I was very surprised how well her manipulating works, but yea, it wasn't the first time she did it, not the last either. I found myself with almost as many enemies as I before had friends. Only three people remained untouched by the situation and are still my friends, the rest pretty much as much as you can do in a non-physical environment, beat me to a bloody pulp.

Since I was so emotionally invested in the site and the people, it hurt me bad. I basically swore than if anything would even upset me the slightest, I would walk off. That I would not waste time and energy on things I cannot change. Pretty much why I took a break from here. Some things made it not worth it.

Also I have noticed that I am very reluctant to make friends. You know real friends. That can hurt you. Since I keep people at arms length I'm sure people here think I'm a callous person that is not worth it, but of course most don't even know I exist. Which was fine for a good while.

What is the problem is that I seem to do care about others. There are several here that have a good head on their shoulders, that take time to write purposeful posts and stand their ground in a way I find quite amazing. Yet, of course not many of them have any high thoughts about me, which in a way I can understand. Still, I guess it bothers me.

I'm quite in another mindset now from when leaving, I noticed some things started to upset me and they don't matter anymore. Still I wonder, should I even be here? Is there a place for me on a site like this? I'm simply not one of those radiant souls who sort of make a difference and will be seen. And I seem to annoy people not even meaning to. If all I can be is being an annoyance, it's not right for me to be very active here. Because I wish people well, people have enough to deal with that are negative.

I know it's rather blunt and unpleasant to ask if I'm welcome. But I feel I need to know. Afterall, I can only be me. I come with both my personality and my history.