View Single Post
 
Old Nov 14, 2014, 01:31 PM
scorpiosis37's Avatar
scorpiosis37 scorpiosis37 is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,302
Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing View Post
I don't really need to coerce her into acting like a mom.

She put me in her car and drove me to school. We worked on cleaning my dorm room today. She kept saying things like a mom would say about how messy my room is. We'll continue working on it next week.

The mom stuff happens naturally and it's on her side too.
She may be acting maternal towards you but it sounds like she is enabling you, rather than helping you. Like many parents who have good intentions but are not trained as therapists, your LC is allowing her emotions to rule her actions-- rather than an understanding of what is truly best for you. And it makes sense that you like what she is doing. If you make your room messy, LC finds out, LC is upset by the state of disarray-- then LC comes over and "rescues" you by helping you clean your room. It makes you feel good because you want to be the little girl someone loves enough to come over and rescue. You get to have that bonding experience with LC. Therefore, she is giving you an incentive to NOT get better-- to NOT keep your room sanitary on your own like an adult. As long as she rewards you with attention for maladaptive behaviors, the longer you will continue to use those maladaptive behaviors. Because, after all, if you can take care of yourself like an adult-- then you wouldn't get the good feelings you get from LC coming in and rescuing you like the "good mom" you didn't have. However, a good parent-- and, certainly, a good therapist or life coach-- would recognize this pattern and NOT play into it. A trained therapist would work on getting YOU to do the work and support you in your independence, even if that meant a strategy of "tough love." Because, in reality, it is someone who loves you enough to watch you struggle and watch you find your own way out who is giving you the best gift of all-- health and independence. That does mean a therapist or LC cannot help our guide you-- but they should not do the work for you. To come to your dorm room and clean it with you is enabling. You are an adult and you are capable of cleaning your own room. If she does it for you, you aren't learning how to motivate yourself to do it yourself.
Thanks for this!
A Red Panda, Lauliza, meganmf15, sweepy62