>>If you had someone that would follow up and come by and check in with you after work, what would you need from them? What would you're expectations be?
That is a great question and I think a question that everyone might consider.
I'm not working, so mostly I'm home all day, so the timing is flexible. I'm not looking for every day... once every two weeks would be nice, once a week would probably be sublime... just for maybe two hours in the afternoon. Everyday and I think I'd get sick of them
. And it would be nice if it was different people so that I wouldn't have to worry about overburdoning one person, even if they got together to work that out.
Mostly I would want light conversation. I'd want to laugh a bit. And when I
can get someone here... like when my friends visited from Pgh last week or when I visit my other friend at work (I did twice this week) I usually find myself laughing at least a bit. That has to be healthy. I know it can be scary dealing with someone with an illness but when I need to be I honestly don't think I let the situation become awkward. I was helping Kevin with some software a few weeks ago and we spent a lot of the day together, and the next day he said he had a lot of fun that day and would like to visit more. He's the one who took me to the hospital so if anyone would be shell-shocked it would be him, and he clearly isn't. He's got a lot of irons in the fire though right now that are occupying his weekends and evenings. I don't mind that. I mind the people who say they are coming to visit and then don't show up. Kevin tells me when he has an appointment or just can't make it and to be honest that makes me feel more comfortable with him, because I know he is not coming over out of guilt. He has been a great friend and I always remember that when I am complaining about no one being around.
Once in a while I would like someone to be able to talk to and just sit with for awhile. What I have to say, is someone who would give me a hug when I need it or just want it. That's tough because for some people that is a violation of their personal space. I know several people who are "huggers" but they are nowhere around. Kevin is definitely not a "touchy-feely" guy.
Even to have someone with some casual contact once in a while would be a big help. Someone who puts their hand on your shoulder when hey say hello, or doesn't get all spastic if your elbows touch when you pass each other. I've got no one around like that... I know I've whined about this before, but I have no human contact at all for many months at a time and I think I am really suffering for it. I feel like I am in a bubble.
Back the last few months when I was feeling better and getting out, it would have been nice to have someone available to take advantage of it. I mentioned making it to a few movies... I went to all of those alone. Which isn't a problem, I like going out by myself, but not ALL the time.
Maybe someone for a slice of pizza once in a while. I don't know. Just some contact. I do really want someone trusting enough and that I trust enough that I could cry on their shoulder when needed... that's what I really really wanted last night... but I am a long way from that.
And I don't trust many people any more. I find a lot of time that
I am uncomfortable hugging people, even close friends who I used to hug regularly. Probably for about 5 years this has been going on. Now it is moot.
That has been why my going out on the weekends has been such a huge deal for me. Number one, I just feel very comfortable there for some reason. Even when I am self conscious and doing my "Marlin Perkins" thing
. I don't know if I mentioned this before... I'm the kind of guy who can not pee in a public rest room. I always take a stall and still I can't do it. Even when I have to go really badly sometimes it just won't budge. Even if the bathroom is empty! (I feel as if someone will walk in after I start). In this place I go on the weekends I was worried about that, but I discovered that I can go with no problem at all there. Not a second thought. Even if I'm not in a stall! That's one worthy of at least a month's worth of Freudian Psychotherapy I think
.
But I often get so sad there because while I am observing I see all around me what I want. People come in, spot friends, get a big hug, sit together, see others, everyone hugs and their faces light up when they see each other. I just can't seem to be able to break in to that. I am hoping if I go often enough I may be able to break the ice. But for now I just observe. The last time there, there were two people standing in front of a bar, just kissing each other all night. Not "sexy" kissing, not French kissing, just sort of gently and affectionately, and moreover just holding one another, standing there in the middle of the room, all night long. I just felt so incredibly jealous, to both have someone like that and to feel so free without a care. These past two days I have been worried that I won't make it there this Saturday and that upsets me... or that I may force myself to go there and it may not be a good place for me this time. I'd love to have someone I trust to go with. I have several friends who would be perfectly OK going with me but again, none of them around.
I don't know... how long have I been babbling now? I haven't been able to eat all day today. I did clean my bedroom and make my bed... I haven't made the bed in a few days, and I definitely feel better when it is made... and the room was a mess because to find those photos that I posted last night I had to dig through three big boxes of pictures and I left them strewn all over the floor. They are back in the boxes now. Trying to eat should probably be a priority now... and shopping... I'd probably eat a little better if I had more choices close by.
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