((((((((((((YouWhoAreReallyNiceToMeAndMakeMeFeelCaredAbout)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you. Your words mean so much to me and I soak them in like a dehydrated sponge. I really appreciate you.

My Mom was so very kind to me, it made me feel guilty. She looks so sick-her eyes are sunken in from the medicines she's taking and all she wanted was to spend time with me. Why do I have to abandon her for almost 2 years to get her attention? My Pop (step-dad) was very sweet to me, too. He's the kind of guy who stares at the tv, you ask him what's on and he'll say "I don't know" but he'll sit there staring at the television. I remember this happening a lot while growing up. It wasn't like that today. Today he turned his back to the tv and I had his full attention, he asked me questions about myself but I didn't know what to talk about. No wonder he usually just stares at the tv. I'm boring!
My sister and brother relations are basically the same. I always feel somehow left behind but they didn't do anything wrong. They both became Jehovah Witnesses and it kind of makes me feel like I'm not in their little Jehovah groupie thing. I don't take well to religion. I have trouble believing in Happily Ever Afters in heaven or elsewhere. I also have problems with almost all religions being Male Superiority based beliefs. That's ********. Men cause so much pain, heartache and abuse-they don't take their "master" positions with humility or responsibly but rather with a grandioseness and arrogance that makes me lose all respect for them and also with total mistrust. If this is who I'm forced to believe God leaves to be "in charge" then I also have some serious mistrusts towards God too. But I do really believe God is good so therefor I don't believe in those religions that commands me to serve thy males. %#@&#! that!
Sorry, I wandered off the main subject...
I think I said some mean things to my sister in law, it wasn't intentional but things kept popping out while we were playing one of those games where a question is asked about the people whom you're playing the game with. After I'd answer one of the questions I thought pertained to her, I realized how mean it may have sounded. She seemed to take it in stride but I analyze where that's coming from.
Am I jealous because she "took" my brother away?
She also triggers my insecurities and my low self esteem and of course, my paranoia makes me think she does it intentionally. But I don't know, maybe she doesn't. She doesn't.

I don't know anything anymore. Maybe it's not my family, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one with the problems and I'm projecting them onto my family so I don't have to take responsibility for them. I just don't know anymore.