the summer of my 16th birthday i was punished for something (i can't remember what) and my parents made me sleep on the floor for 3 months, wear no makeup, stay in the house for 3 months solid without seeing friends, and I was told I wasn’t worthy enough to sit next to the dog. Also called “scum.” While this went on, my “perfect” older sister with the straight A’s became valdictorian of her high school, won beauty pageants that my parents invested thousands of dollars in, had a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years, went to a top college, and was douted over by my parents saying how wonderful and pretty and fantastic she was. At the end of that summer I had concluded that my parents no longer loved me. I felt unworthy of my birthday, and unworthy of anything that was bought for me or given to me. At the end of that summer I found a huge bump under my skin and worried it was cancer. I posted prayer requests online that everything would be ok. People contacted me and got to know me. They asked to see what I look like and I had the thought “I can look like anyone I want! I can be pretty! I can vicariously live a wonderful life! The kind of life I’d like to have.” So I sent them a picture of some pretty girl that wasn’t me. Then I had the thought that if I could somehow validate my emotional pain that I was still feeling due to that summer, if I could validate it through a tangible means like some tragic event, that would validate and give substance to how much emotional pain I felt. if i could someone validate it, then i'd be able to move on. that's how i felt. So..this is terrible I know, but I ended up telling these people online that I did indeed have cancer even though I didn’t. I thought once the story of the cancer sounded as bad as I felt emotionally, then It would be justified and given form. And I could move on. It sounds odd but it made sense at the time. So for the last 3 years or so I have been pretending to be this pretty girl who “survived cancer”. I’ve stopped now. In trying to figure out why this happened as I ‘ve been a completely mentally healthy person all my life up until that summer, I’ve come to the conclusion that I developed a bad coping mechanism to emotional pain. I was lonely because I had no friends at that new high school, and I felt unloved and unworthy by the opinions of my parents and sister. I wanted to be pretty..admired, cared for, thought to have lots of friends, and maybe just a bit of sympathy for what I had been though. Validate that I had indeed been through a painful emotional experience and that it was still continuing. I created the things I wanted in my life though my online “persona” because I couldn’t and didn’t know how to get them in real life. I know this behavior isn’t like me, and I’m very ashamed. VERY ashamed. I sought help for depression and am now on lexapro which works wonderfully. There has been a huge change in me. I do well in school now, I don’t “pretend”, and I’m working on making friends although that is difficult. My parents still fight with each other like hyenas and sometimes my mom is a little emotionally abusive..i hope I’m not overeacting on that but she will say things like I’m lazy, I’ll never become a doctor, why don’t I have a boyfriend when my sister has one, and complain to me CONSTANTLY about my dad and her mother, and every mother’s day and valentine’s day she starts in on how I don’t care about her. She also has a yearning to keep me here..i wanted to play soccer when I was 12 so she said “people die playing soccer.” I wanted to go to a bonfire so she said “someone died at a bonfire.” Or she’ll clean the house and midnight, make It look like a wreck, and then get me up early and yell at me for making the house messy. Then comes the yelling about how if I don’t pick up my stuff or remember to, how can I ever expect to become a doctor. Basically, she usually doubts everything I am trying to achieve and instead roots for my sister on anything she wants to do. However, despite all this, I am doing so much better now since I’ve been taking that medicine. My question is..do I have a disorder for all of this happening with the internet deal, or had I simply developed a bad coping mechanism. I don’t act bad anymore, but I’m worried I’m crazy..mentally ill.. and it’s scary. I hope this isn’t the case. But if it is, please tell me.