So today was the day I went back to the therapist..... Yes, I actually went back.

After some advice, really reflecting and meditating, and then some advice from my friend along with some of the CBT exercise's I did. I realized that really I needed to go back, if for nothing more than closure.

I was assertive, not aggressive..... I asked her to let me express my feelings, explain the week and then her and I together could make the decision if she and I were the right fit as Therapist and Client.

She respected my request. I only had to ask her once to let me finish. Once we were done, she brought up the question of me wanting to be in control, and I looked at her and was amazed. I had brought a of notes and one of the things was that I wanted to talk to her about me feeling I was trying to control our therapy situations to avoid talking about what I didn't want to talk about..... trauma.... I found it Ironic, that even though I had written it down, I subconsciously missed it. So I discussed what I had written down about my feelings of me trying to control the situation...

Then I told her I obviously trusted her, that is why I came back. Because of this I trusted her judgment of if she thought we were not the right match.

She was very genuine and told me she half expected me not to come back tonight and I told her until Thursday, I wasn't sure I was coming back.

She told me that the choice and the decision for me to stay as her client was up to me. However, if we were going to do work it was up to me but I had to let go of the control.
I told her I would and asked her what she wanted to do. She said I hadn't built the coping skills to deal with the trauma work and once we got there, there was no going back... we needed to start from my childhood and work forward. and I needed to keep a steady pace. No matter how busy I got.

She felt that all the work in most of the book I had been working on was just me filling in lines, it was more than that, I needed to put thought behind it and then we could discuss it each week.... she didn't think it would take long, but there were certain sections that I refused to do, and I was going to need to do them, before we started the trauma work. I agreed that I would do that... so starting next week, I am going to try my hardest to stop fighting her, stop distracting and denying and actually try and learn some effective coping skills.. Such as trying not to starve myself or taking so many pills. Not sure If I can stop the not eating, but maybe I can add a salad or something.... I don't know for sure if that will be enough but at least it is a start.

So at this point it is up to me and the decision for her to discharge was a joint decision between the two of us and that it would not be her decision alone.

So I guess we start over in the book again, review my answers and try it again...

Maybe this is a fresh start.... but I feel better.... not great but better..... Like I said before, trust is very hard for me and someone said that Control may be part of the issue and you nailed it on the head....

Thanks for all the listening and support over the past week