I'm 45 now, but when I was 19 I was so much like you, and it's awful because even though there are many people who have these thoughts and feelings, these same thoughts and feelings make it hard to connect. I love the movie Buffalo 66 - you're the first person I know who's seen this movie! And the Velvet Underground has been a favorite since I was your age. Hopefully, as they did for me, these things make you feel not completely alone. ...and life WILL get better.