I have struggled with bipolar disorder from as far back as childhood. Didn't receive a formal diagnosis or treatment for anything other than depression and anxiety until 8 years ago. It seems that no matter what medication cocktail we try nothing seems to really help. I find lately I am feeling more hopeless than ever. I think about suicide quite frequently, have not nor have I ever attempted or even made a plan, just think about it. I always feel too guilty to even consider going through with it. I've read that ECT can be helpful for people like me, but I've never even discussed it with my doctor because the side effects scare me. Memory loss really scares me. And, as much as my brain has betrayed me with this illness, it has also always been one of my best qualities. I'm smart, have an excellent memory and love to create art. Not sure how much of that I would risk losing if I decided to try ECT and that scares me. Have any of you had the treatment, know someone who has or have any medical background that could help me?