when i was little i never had anyone to talk to. took a long while to realise that other people didn't feel as bad as i did. didn't know why i felt so bad.

then therapy. so hard to talk. so hard to talk. terminated for not talking. would just curl up into a little ball and dissociate. then dbt. 'its hard to do therapy when you do that' so i stopped. went a bit better. learned a lot in dbt. then some therapists who i didn't click with... then such a fight to get treatment. such a fight... so... i started to read.

w. reads a lot. he introduced me to the lit on DID and showed me that that was what was wrong. when i couldn't study he studied that and wrote a couple research papers for my degrees. then p-docs who meant well but didn't really have the time to work with me properly. now this guy.

its hard. after the last session i read w.'s papers again. an exercise in rationalisation. an exercise in making the dx palatable to me. focus on cross-cultural variation. focus on how alters are possible (multiple systems instead of single systems).

just don't focus on the trauma. 'cause its too hard.

he accepts the dx so now i don't have to. had to push it back home or i'd get nothing. its hard.

he left me. he promised he'd email but he didn't. kt said 'i feel abandoned' and he didn't respond. he left me.

and now... he wants me to trust him. he doesn't credit w. but w. has been whats been keeping us ticking along. an intellectual understanding of whats happening. whats going on. he can't just cast him aside like that. he can't. we won't let him. we don't trust him. he left us. he left kt. she didn't know he was coming back. he left her. and she still feels like that now. whatever connection we had is gone.

memories. trauma. round and round and round. need to lock myself away from people 'cause they're just too scary. can't go to work. can't do any work. can't function. just kt in the room crying and crying and locked there. abandoned.

cracking up.