i'm really struggling with looking at things this way...

last session was pretty much w. arguing with t about appropriate treatment for DID. not arguing, exactly. but cross feelings. indignant. disconnected. t was saying the odd thing about 'well your thoughts on your experiences are important to therapy of course. your thoughts on DID, however...' yeah. discrediting what he had to say. mostly because... t probably thought it was... an exercise in rationalisation. and when i think that w. feels really %#@&#! mad. really %#@&#! mad. 'cause he has kept things ticking along.

but of course w. won't even let me look at things that way. 'i don't exist' he keeps saying to me. 'its just a manner of speaking and it isn't inevitable'. 'talking about 'w.' is just a way of disclaiming ownership of YOUR thoughts and feelings etc'.

but i can't face them :-(
i know they are mine
but i can't face them
they can't be mine
but i know that they are mine
and wooooooooooooooosh down the big black hole :-(

but if its just rationalisations... the disclaimed action stuff... then maybe its okay for me to talk about w.'s feelings and thoughts as w.'s feelings and thoughts.

something happened at the end of the last session. w. / I was talking...

'i don't want you to meet them 'cause it's not about them telling you stuff its about me telling you stuff. i mean, what am i supposed to say? "i'm a.?" (he nodded). no. i won't do that. they are just stories i make up 'cause i can't face things. i don't want them acting out. sometimes i can't face things.

then i kinda saw that that's maybe why he wants to meet them. if i say 'i'm a.' then... its not disclaimed. i'm claiming it. being them IS taking ownership.

and w. is so %#@&#! mad. so %#@&#! mad. and i feel scared.

need to act it out and narrate around it.
not impose a narrative from the top-down like w. / I have been trying to do.

but what the hell was i supposed to do all those years that no one would help me? w. doesn't need him. don't need him. this hurts. it HURTS. it hurts too much. i don't want to do this. it hurts too much. its not about trust so much as hurt that he can't do anything about. to bring this up... and not be able to do anything about it. nice for some. but i don't want to do this. can't. hurts too much.