Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliope
it certainly sounds like you have a lot of stressors on your plate. have you thought of counseling for yourself? I think that this could benefit you especially with your past history of suicide attempts, you need assistance building coping skills.
how much time have you put into questioning why you are in this marriage? you haven't written down any benefits you gain from it, but something is keeping you there. again, this is something to explore with a therapist.
a simple pro/con list is helpful as well. all the things you gain from the marriage go on the pro side. all the drawbacks of the marriage go on the con side. so far I see a lot of cons. some people are just afraid of being alone and that is why they put up with tons of crap. if you are going to be doing everything, you might as well be doing everything for yourself, without having to have the arguments and blame which are damaging to your selfesteem.
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Hello Kaliope,
Yes. I have a lot of stressors. I've started the process of removing them as well. It isn't fast, or easy. But one at a time I'm starting to remove things that aren't working. Some of the legacy stuff I don't know what to do about yet. But I find talking helps.
Just as an FYI, therapy/psychotherapy isn't an option right now. My medical bills are very high trying to figure out what is wrong with my blood. The condition is potentially fatal (I'm walking around with a 30% +/- 3.94% chance of having a stroke/heart attack at any given moment). The most likely reasons have been eliminated (like sleep apnea), so I'm into unlikely territory. When my oncologist said he was going to put together a million dollar work up, I thought that was a joke (i.e. doctor for thorough) but it was less of a joke then I thought.
There are pros. I hadn't gotten this far in my post as I'm still working on the anger and loneliness but we have started talking again - though I still feel hesitant to mention certain things (I've brought them up before and it didn't go well). She ended the affair (she found out the guy was cheating on her with another women), and has been very apologetic about it. Even though she tried to blame me for it, she has also started taking blame as well. I wish things would go back to what they were like years ago (when we first met) and she was much more driven. The reason I married her was because I found her so inspiring: she was an amazing writer, highly intelligent, and very driven. I felt really lucky, like I had married someone so far out of my league it wasn't even funny.
I also just hate quitting. Again, that goes back to family saying I would always just quit because I was lazy. As a result, I have a tendency to stick with things far longer then other people would.