So I almost promised myself that I wouldn't abuse my next script.. but then i lose too much weight taking it as prescribed so it gave me an excuse to just abuse it all in a few days.. this time however i promise myself that i will not abuse my next script but im facing a problem..

My new dose of Concerta (Methylphenidate XR) got increased to 72mg and the pharmacy want the previous two weeks Concerta (which I ate) back in exchange for the new Concerta.

I don't break promises and this time I promise myself that I will take it as prescribed but what if I get caught then no one will believe my word and just think that im a no good addict. I have severe ADHD and I really need it.

So here's what I'm going to do.. Im going to say that ill just finish my old script and if they still want the Concerta, I'll say that I've lost it. I don't know what to do..

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I never liked taking my Concerta because it took that "ADHD spark" away from me and made me sad and emotional less.

So a stalk pile of hundreds of days worth of pills pilled up and I didn't know what to do with them. I had to get rid of them so I abused them at high doses. Doses that I have never seen before on the internet.

I would open the pills and snort 100mg at once and get a nice calm feeling. Then I would crush and parachute 300mg at once and feel like I was stoned but the motivation that I got was just pleasant. Then I would crush and eat 500mg of methylphenidate at once. That's 100 ritalin pills at once. How is that possible I don't know.. Im only 150lbs. I some how rewired my brain into liking the pills instead of hating them. Now I get euphoria from the pills and if I had a needle with methamphetamine in it i would inject my self with no hesitation. The most methylphenidate I took in one day was 1-1.3g

As I said, I really need these pills to function in terms of ADHD at school and at home and this was a wake up call to tell myself that I will take them as prescribed and not be an idiot. I promise myself and I don't break promises.

Now for the alcohol..

My dad is has severe alcohol dependency syndrome and it runs in the family. My older brother has been addicted to drugs and probably still is. I remember as a kid my dad would pass out and vomit on the stairs and he was too big to carry to bed so i put a pillow under his head and called it a night.

My first abuse of alcohol started when I was 12. As with ADHD, I always loved to get a rush and maybe got chased by the police about 10-15 times since I was 7. I went into a strangers house with my friends and got a bit drunk on vodka mixed with 7up.

Then I started stealing my dads vodka and would replace it with water because he was too drunk to notice. Benefited him anyways.. and so when i was 16 I took 7 shots of my step dads jack daniels on an mpty stomach and I never had such an amazing feeling with alcohol in my life. I think that incident of acute alcohol poisoning changed my brain. I couldn't feel my hands or feet and would vomit all night but i said to myself with the music playing loud and just being an idiot in town that it was worth it. Now I never get that feeling when I drink. Not even close to that feeling.

I would steal my step dads whiskey and beer and moms wine until i was legal enough to buy alcohol on my own at 18. Before I was 18, I could drink two 6 packs of beer in a night and get a little drunk. Now that does barely anything to me.

I bought so much alcohol since i was 18 and im still 18. My mom cries when she sees the amount of alcohol I use. Recently a few days ago she instructed the liquor store not to serve me alcohol anymore because I was drinking 750ml (2 pints) of liquor a day for two days and 1 pint a day for a few weeks. But before I drank the two pints, I had no tolerance for a month because I promised not to drink for two weeks. I didn't throw up with the two pints. Before that I abused a pint and a half with 100mg of codeine and threw up blood i guess..

The last bit of alcohol poisoning i got was 4 days ago when i drank two pints but i only threw up because I drank a six pack of beer before that..

Psychiatrist doesn't prescribe benzos anymore for these reasons. I did abuse benzos in the past. I would take 6mg of clonazepam and it would be like alcohol in a pill but probably made my liver enzymes go out of wack as i was hospitalized for depression after I took the pills as they are sedatives but i didnt realize that at the time.

Now it comes to Ethylphenidate.. (Ethanol (alcohol) mixed with methylphenidate.. the high is more intense i suppose.. but more dangerous..

Who the hell pops 500mg of ritalin without tolerance.. no one..

I don't know what to do in the situation where I don't want to get caught and if i don't, I wont abuse again and how to convince my mom and psychiatrist that I don't have a problem with alcohol maybe i do idk