Hi,

This isnt something I've ever told anyone before. It ws 7 years ago. Only recently have i started to see it in the context of rape. I found it embarrassing after due to the nature of what happened, ( it was embarrassing and gross.) So Ill warn you in advance.

When i was 19, I had run away from my father and an old schoolfriend's mother said that I could live with her for a few months. I was definately getting manic and starting to drink more due to taking ssris, so my perception of danger was off,( eg. when I lived with this woman, I took a lift home with 2 random guys who stopped their car for me,) although it wasn't great to begin with. This man befriended me. I didn't know him prior. He was 33/34 yeats old. I remember him saying his age was something like that. He took me out for drinks one night, and I presumed we would probably have sex afterwards, because he told me he'd booked a notel for after because he needed it for blah blah blah reasons, but I knew that it was for us. I was naive, but I wasnt THAT naive. So I get drunk. He takes me to the hotel, and we have sex.
I frustrated him at some point in the night. I cried and told him I was really unyhappy, and begged him to go out and get some more alcohol.I think I said I wouldnt have sex with him again or something if I didnt have more acohol.Something mad like that.

Ok. Now this is the weird bit. It was a terrible night due to my drunken weirdness. We had sex and we both fell asleep. the follwing bit makes me feel very embarrassed. At some point in the night, I felt movement in the bed, and then I felt the man put his penis inside me to have an*l sex. I had been asleep with my back turned to him. I semi woke up due to the movement in the bed, and then completely woke up when that happened. He didnt say anything.I dont know whether he knew I'd woken up. I have a vague memory of a hand being either over my mouth or round my throat because I know I couldnt breathe. It mustve been insanely rough because I know I mustve still been drunk, and I completely shut down from the pain. He hadnt been rough like that earlier on, although he had been more dominant during the sex once I'd frustrated him.I totally disassociated. I remember just thinking that it would soon be over and trying to distract myself from the pain. Neither of us spoke, and when it was over he just turned away from me, and I was so disassociated still. I was just glad it was over. I never thought it was wrong because I had agreed to have sex with him earlier on.

The most shameful part, and the part that makes me think it must have been v rough was that...ok...this is really embarrassing so dont judge. there was blood and poo all down the bedsheets, both of which had obviously happened due to the an*l sex. I hadnt needed to go to the bathroom at the time it happened, so it mustve just been from the intensity of the situation, and I hadnt realised I was bleeding at the time.It wasn't a small amount.i remember it being quite a lot of blood- you would think it would be from having sex on my period, but I wasnt on at the time, plus it was an*l sex anyway. I remember waking up and seeing it the day after, and being so confused. I tried to immediately cover it, but he saw it, and he had no response.

I had never seen it as a rape because I had agreed to sex before earlier in the evening, and also because I woke up during it or just before it, and yet I literally said nothing. I just lay perfectly still. He never contacted me again.

I havent ever told anyone this before, but my trauma and recovery book said loss of control of bodily functions is common during rape, which is what made me think of it. i'm not saying it was definately rape, but that is what made me link it up. Sorry for any graphic-ness, but I wanted to explain why I know that it was very rough even though I was drunk and had diminished feeling

Is it rape if you have actually had sex a few hours or so before, plus you're in the same bed with him, and you stay in the same bed with him even after it?

I have had almost no life- as in no experiences, because all my energy was dedicated to surviving living with my father or getting away when I had a chance to. All the experiences I have managed to have have stemmed from that situation, and my mother's insistance on convincing me that I didnt need to leave my fathers and that I needed constant medication instead which had a hugely detrimental effect on me. I feel like all my experiences have been very negagtive and it sucks. I feel angry about it all, and I don't know how to deal with that emotion because I'm angry about thing i cannot change.