I wonder...I have had lots of dreams involving being sexual with women, way more dreams about them than men. At age 15ish I had a friend that I felt very aroused about when we were together, she never knew that. I always thought she was very beautiful. Had a strange experience with another friend around 16. Then it all faded away. At some point later in life I started having the dreams. When I had a total breakdown, the real life urges came back. I had some crushes that I never acted on, which came out of nowhere. Mind you I do live in the south, the bible belt where this type of behavior is frowned upon highly!

There were lots of fantasies and dreams over the years, then about 3 years ago after going through a major emotional break down, I was going out and being very promiscuous and finally got to be with a woman. I was thrilled at the time. First was a threesome with a married couple, definitely do NOT recommend that! Ever. A few dates with women from the internet. I think that there was always something not quite right about me for the others, it just never worked out for me.

The last 3 years, I have felt zero sexual feelings until now with the sex dreams. I like them and have begun to entertain the idea again. I have thought that my mental illness has killed my sex life, even felt like I was having an existential crisis. So really it's hard to know who or what I am. I am still maybe slightly attractive but I guess too overweight to get asked out for anything. Having said that, I have seen people twice my size with dates and husbands! I never have understood my lack of appeal to others, I used to have a very strong sex drive and I guess there is still a little flicker left.

Call me confused...at age 50 something! Yikes