This is a very specific thing. I think I need to address, it's going to be brief. I'm very bad as social context clues, I mean I know how to respond to them normally, but I'm bad at taking them. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I get overwhelmed in fear and anger on myself. When I am sexually attracted to someone and want to get to know them. I do everything right, but I'm left with them confused about me.

I don't get my point across, because my mind is in confusing. In a fog, I'm not shy or awkward about it. I get lost in what I'm doing unintentionally and sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself.

Some guys who never get gf's or don't have looks have a better sex life and relationship life than I ever will.

I'm not trying to show it as like I'm a superficial jerk or only cares about looks, but I'm telling this as an important problem I have.

I don't know what to do, I think after I was raped a lot as a child and dated 8 people who did nothing, but brought more emotional harm and baggage I'm letting go even more. I've let go alot, but their is some remains from a long standing issue.

Many girls I talk to think I'm gay or into guys because I am different. It's so frustrating and sad sometimes that I can't choose between conforming to get what I want faster which is getting laid more, quality communication in person, or someday get a girlfriend when I feel ready.. It makes me so mad, I feel like when many people doesn't matter how they look or charismatic they can be or not. They can get everyone's attention naturally so easily like I can, but they'd always pick them for many reasons they know them a very long time, or that the people they are around are superficial about the things they like to be around so they tend to stay in that area.

It's so hard and disheartening. I'm trying my hardest to make it look what I'm trying to say. I'm desperate for a connection and not for sex all the time even though I would like it a lot more and not all the time either.

I have body dysmorphic disorder. I hate everything about my body, because of this issue. I work out as much as I can, I have tried purging and probably going to be pushed into anorexia. I don't want to get into that again, or this topic on eating disorders, but it's caused by the lack of females telling me how good I look or people liking my looks. I'm told I'm attractive from certain people, but I know it's not the people I want to hear it from even though it's nice and I appreciate it. I don't go out and people want to talk to me, because I'm hot. I seriously been working so so hard at trying to over achieve that.

I've lost 70 lbs from my heaviest I've been in my whole life. I was 225 lbs last year lost about 70 lbs
and I'm trying to lose a lot more. I walk and run a lot every day. I am cutting my calories way less, I don't smoke, don't drink pop anymore. I don't take medications I physically feel great, but I hate how I look. I hate my face and I hate everything about me physically.

Not being told how good I look has killed me since ever. My last 4 exes have killed this part of me the most. Some telling me how ugly I look everyday even after they screw me a lot. The fact they tell me I should kill myself with a bag over my head. I even had the other extreme where I truly hate, when my last 2 ex girlfriends told me I'm gorgeous, and the relationship was us having sex nothing really grounded as a friendship. It was too much and made me sick inside and hating myself more feeling like my body is used up, but they don't want to look at me, but want to use my male parts for their pleasure saying that's the only part worth of me..

I'm like muscular and still hate myself and my looks. I feel this is the root of my depression and loneliness and I don't have help on it. I want to tell my therapist who is female what I should do and who should I be referred to in this situation therapy won't fix this..

I only wanted to be a very attractive young woman, I'd have way more confidence than I would as myself. See I try to be positive and utilize what I have and make the confidence happen with my current looks, but the reactions I get of people disgust and people telling me I'm ugly in person before. Makes me want to die a lot. I have a skewed vision because of it, sometimes even though this is not what I believe,

"I sometimes feel fooled to feel like I have to be black, latino, or whatever minority to get more girls.. I sometimes subconsciously feel, but don't believe that lesbians want to harm me and tell me how ugly I am. That if I talk to a girl about wanting to get to know her, or approaching her being flirtatious she will want to sick her friends on me to harm me like I'm a roach."

This goes on in my head so much without me trying to believe this stuff before. I scream at myself at home and hit myself and tell myself how ugly I am.. No one wants me, every girl I talk to wants to spit on me. I can't get to know anyone, people just want to hurt me. I feel like I shouldn't be here and when people tell me not to worry about it and live my life. I'm already doing that and focusing on myself, when this comes up as an issue at an inconvenient time when it doesn't happen all the time it's less than occasional. It hurts so much, because I know it's been occurring all my life.

I used to do a lot of ocd type of rituals and still do just to put value points on my self worth on the time and preparation I want to do to look perfect.

It's horrible, and all I want to do is throw my body away. I sometimes get so depressed from this situation not very often, but sometimes. I'll purposely do x or pill pop in very rare but open situations to say **** you to everyone who doesn't want me here. I'm throwing my body away like you all wanted me to.

Am I perfect now?

It's a deep eternal hell I live in with this... I think even though moved to something like a BDD or eating disorder thread. I think it's all about relationships, because this has hurt my relationships the most. I self harm to prevent myself crying in public, because I'm trying to be happy and perfect, but I can't. All I want is someone to want to be around me, some girl I like or someone thinks I'm perfect.. At other times I want to be free sexually, and feel like I'm not oppressed and suppressed and have to shut up or else I'll get yelled at how I can't feel this or that.

Right now, talking about it makes me want to purge.

This is why I need help.. I know it's a distortion, but I don't have the tools in interacting with others. I'm doing this all by myself and not getting very far.