((((gloria))))) yes i do still think he's abusive. having such issues does NOT excuse abusive behavior. many of us on here struggle with our own psychological issues, but do not abuse others. you can have compassion for him and his problems, but without losing compassion for yourself and without excusing his UNACCEPTABLE behaviors. that's something that i've worked on a LOT in therapy- trying to balance all the feelings you have for your abusers. you can feel love and compassion for them AND anger and hatred at the same time. whatever you feel, it is ok for you to feel. and it is NEVER ok to abuse someone else, regardless of what a person is dealing with.

there's a song i really like that says "between violence and silently seething, between my fist and my pollyanna flower. between *&$# to your face and it's alright, between war and denial." i relate to that a lot, because I have the tendency to want to either "silenty seethe" and suffer and deny that i'm suffering and deny that anyone did me any harm. i have the tendency to want to excuse my abusers actions because of their own struggles. and it's ok for me to feel this way sometimes. it's a component of the relationship. but if i let that take over, it is damaging to myself, and it doesn't help them at all either. it doesn't help anyone. and it leaves me open for future abuse. adversely, i also sometimes feel like anger, counter-attacks, "*&%$ you", etc. and this is ok, too. it's also a natural response to abuse. but i don't have to let that take over either. i don't have to be hateful and attack in return. i DO have to process the feelings, and that's what therapy is for! but i don't have to let either side of the coin take over my life. i need to balance compassion for others, compassion for myself, HONESTY about the situation (particularly about the bad stuff that has harmed me), and a healthy dose of reality.

does that make sense?

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-