Intimacy is so hard, because of this. I hate letting people in, because many of them don't try to know me, they just walk over my feelings if I let them. Many times I tell girls who play games to go **** off, I'm not here for a convenience and you lie to my face all the time. A friend of mine did that recently. It's like I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel without confusing everyone. I type so much, because I don't feel my message is good enough or makes sense. It's so hard, every time exhausting myself, because I'm crying for help and the fact. I'm so isolated, I'm dying slowly, it feels like...

Like all I want to do, is not eat and destroy the guilt.

I just want to continue to work out so I'd be perfect.. I don't want another girl to date me, for just their amusement and using my body as an object. I get mad, when I'm told that, because it's happened to me over and over again. I've been raped many times by men too as a boy. So it's traumitizing, I'm so hard on myself and so quiet. I lie to people in person all the time what I'm feeling I'll fake being sad about something else, not even make fake tears or force anything. I'll change the subject of what bothers me the most in person, just to avoid confrontation of ignorance and being yelled at, "why do you do this to yourself?" "You don't have to do this! you need to grow up! get a life!" My closest friends who don't have this issue told me this and I just lost a best friend because of this recently.

It's an obsession, and all I want to do is be perfect or nothing. I haven't had a person I really liked, prove to me otherwise and really connect with me. Give me a reason to let go... I don't want to do it to myself, because I'll fall back in this pattern again.. It's so scary you don't know. It's like I gotta starve now or later.. I gotta dress myself this way or that way, gel no gel, shave or no shave, I gotta spend hours on my looks, I have to figure out what I should work out on. I gotta spend time, worrying how many times I've eaten and what I've eaten. I choose to be very very conscious of what I see and I need to see a scale.. As a male it confuses everyone.. I am saying, I want sex, because of my work on myself, my superficial people are so engulfing, I'll go to a church, a local event, places I usually go to like hookah bars, and nightclubs just to have fun for myself, and when sometimes a girl wants to talk to me I'm extremely skeptical I feel like she just wants to come on in, destroy whatever she wants and leaves.

I'm used to this happening so I don't know what to feel, I'm stuck being skewed in the head, because of the abuse of my exs and my childhood has brought me. Many times, I don't think of myself as a person. I used to not look at myself for over 5 years in a mirror hoping I don't see the monster in there.

I wanted to feel pretty and amazing like many girls do, and I couldn't feel like that in my body as a guy. It's very difficult the loneliness I'm going through, I'm not having friendships because communication feels like it is non existent. I feel like I talk to walls more than anyone else. My feelings are poured onto inanimate objects hoping they bring me the nutrition i need for my soul..

It's starving, beyond starving.. So much it's killing my body.. I punch myself in the face when I feel like I'm wrong and misunderstood. Many times, when I'm the most misunderstood in those moments, I can be suicidal, because I feel trapped and scared that everyone's intent doesn't want to help, but have me die.

It feels like I'm a hostage in the company of others and in my head... The voices tell me how worthless I am, and the people's interactions seem to coexist with it even if it's a good time and bad time. It's like when I need something, I say I want something, to give it less value to show you or whoever online, I'm not a jerk, just trying to show I need less to show I'm doing ok.. I should be loved or what not... It's what I've been so used to living life as, I was abused by other people all my life. Beaten, raped, and forced into isolation as a child, I still have ptsd from some things... I'm 20 and it's like I'm abandoned because everyone is going away or dying/dead.

I feel like I'll be old and no one will know who I am, just an old delusional man who was probably lost. So we'll keep him alive on tubes or something. It's my biggest fear and having lots of weight again..