My allowed visits with my current T are over Dec 15. I sent a letter to the MH program asking if I could keep my current T because of trust and attachment issues. I knew it was a long shot but I felt it wouldn't hurt to ask. So, phone calls went back and forth and finally a meeting was arranged to discuss the matter.

The meeting was this past Thursday and don't think it could have gone any more wrong then it did. First, I had an advocate to help me but she couldn't make it to the meeting that day. I thought that would be okay because my T, who claimed to have my back on this, was going to be there.

So, I get to the meeting and I'm really nervous and all my triggers are firing at once. I enter the room and four people are sitting there. I was told only 3 people plus my T would be there. This threw me off right from the start. Then I sit next to my T and his boss, Lisa, is sitting next to him and the other 2 are across the table from me. Lisa is a nurse/director of the program and I don't know what her credentials are in relation to psych health.

Everything went downhill after this Lisa person opened her mouth. As soon as I looked at her and she started talking, I felt a wave of "there's something not right about this woman" shoot through me. I felt my energy begin to drain away and I became confused and disoriented. She proceeded to tell me she too had PTSD from child abuse, but I didn't sense any sincerity in her voice. I actually think she was lying to me to get me "on her side" or something. I just wasn't getting that "I've been where you are" vibe from her. When I told her it would be difficult to go through everything again with another T, she smugly said that it was better to tell my story over and over to "get used to it." She was trying to be some kind of expert on my mental health. She then asked me if I knew anything about my personality. I'm thinking, wtf is she talking about? She said she uses the Enneagram and how helpful it was for her. What that had to do with anything, I have no ****ing clue. I know about the Enneagram, but in my mind that wasn't pertinent to the meeting. Then, when I told her I had trouble concentrating and became overwhelmed at times, she started talking to the group about my meds as if I wasn't even there. She's not a psychiatrist and she was telling everyone my meds should be adjusted. By this point, I had just about had enough. When I told them my psychiatrist wanted me to have long-term counseling with my current T for the same reasons I stated, they blew that off quickly. I guess they figured he was only a psychiatrist, what did he know? I told them I searched for counseling elsewhere and could find nothing suitable and didn’t really want to start all over again with someone new. She snapped back at me, literally snapped back at me, “That’s your choice!” They claimed they had places for me to go (another lie). (Side note: when I got home that day there was a letter from some ******** gov funded counseling service they referred me to. Not only were the two locations too far from my home, but the wait time was 2 years and it only offered 10 sessions. Like I'm going to wait 2 years for 10 sessions.

No matter what I tried to say in my defense they had already (my T included) made up their minds. So, I just wanted to get out of there and away from that woman because she was really triggering me. She was being arrogant, condescending and dismissive of my feelings. She acted like she somehow knew what I needed and that within the course of that meeting she was going to discover a way to fix me so I’d be more cooperative. She didn't hear a word I was saying, it was all about how she was going to solve the problem somehow. I was a nurse and I've met health care people like her before. Their egos usually get in the way of common sense and they end up doing more harm than good. And, through all this, my T didn't say a ****ing thing. (Maybe he has a thing for this ***** or doesn't want to lose his job, who knows). He only humiliated me more by asking me in front of everyone if I was angry, like I was a 4 year old. What a ****ing asshole. Yes, I was angry but not entirely for the reasons he thought.

Yes, I was upset I wasn't going to get my way, but before the meeting I decided I would try to work out a compromise with them. But I was so taken off guard by this condescending, insensitive ***** and my T not backing me up that I couldn't think straight. By the next day I was furious, confused, overwhelmed and suicidal.

I talked to my psychiatrist first thing Friday morning and he was very supportive and comforting, thank God. He seems to totally get what's going on with me but he's not my therapist. I fired off an email to my T about how pissed off I was. He phoned and we contracted that I wouldn't harm myself and I was to see him on Monday (tomorrow). But now I don't trust him anymore. I don't want anything to do with him now, but I don't want to flounder alone in this state of mind before I can arrange for some other help.

I know people are fallible. I can usually give them the benefit of a doubt more often than not and move on. The other two seemed okay and probably had good intentions. I wasn't angry with them. I wondered if there was a possibility this woman reminded me of my mother, but she didn't look anything like my mother. Maybe it was the tone of her voice or a look. But it was more than that. I’m good at reading people and there was something not right about her. I’ve met people like her before and I haven’t been wrong with my instincts. If she was my boss, I’d watch my back for sure.

My T said he liked this woman, but if he had known or worked with mother, who was an assistant director of nursing at a major city hospital, he would have liked her too. I worked for a year in the same hospital as my mother and everyone loved that *****. If my T had known my mother he would have never believed the things I told him about her. I’m not saying this woman is a narcissistic sociopath like my mother but I wouldn’t trust her has far as I could throw.

This is, by far, my longest post ever. But I really had to write all this down.
Thanks if you made it to the end.