Ok. I am really bad right now, and I am having suicidal thoughts to be honest, although I am trying to not entertain them.

I don't know what this is but it happens to me a lot, and I don't know how to cope with it at all.

Basically, I may have bipolar or something which caused me to have terrible reactions to standard medications. Because I was in a domestically abusive situation with my father which blamed me for the side effects, and the person would not put me in hospital and they acted like everything was fine, and I was always told to go back on medications by my mother even though I kept saying I wanted to leave, I spent my life like this barely going out from the ages of 18-25. The details are awful, and the way it was day to day is not something I can talk about.Ordinarily, I don't have issues with self harm at all, but the mania was so bad I would cover myself in cuts and bruises back then. I managed to get away to a womens refuge once, but ended back in it again.

Basically, I will get an image of myself flash up in my head. Right now, it was from a time when I was trying to be less depressed before the meds kicked in and I went crazy again. It will then be juxtaposed with the mixed episode of mania that would always follow, so I saw myself trying to get out of my skin...err literally and chucking loads of stuff down the stairs. I then will suddenly get hit by the truth of it all, often in the form of a sentence in my head. I thought the truth was supposed to set you free but all it does is make me feel suicidal! I just had one thought that I was stuck living like that trying to get away for 7 years. these images and thoughts almost put me in another world. Then i have such intense feelings of injustice and anger and the feeling of having been in a 'catch 22'. I feel intense disempowerment. This is followed by a compulsive desire to speak to members of my family about what happened- often to get understanding or sympathy and for people to see my perspective, which they never did before. I think I feel the need to talk to them to try to convince them that I am not bad person, (even though I feel like I must be a bad person and a freak/different than other people for all this stuff to have happened to me.)

This is just one aspect of why i know I have ptsd issues.This isnt a rare thing. The feelings are so intense, and the main feeling is one of powerlessness/frustration and injustice.I have had no life due to all this craziness, and it makes me get hit with wves of frustration. I can actually cry with the frustration that there isnt anything I can do about it, and my family really doesnt understand what happened to me. They just want me to never mention it all again.

I have a therapist but I have realised she is no good. She mentions trauma sometimes, but it's not structured or anything.She really does nothing.he teaches me no techniques or anything and basically just takes my money.

What can I do to stay safe right now, without calling my family or involving other people, because I dont know anyone outside my family? The feeling of injustice is so intense and it's not a feeling I can do anything with. I feel like a complete freak becuse of the life I have lived, like I am different from other human beings. Apparently that is a symptom of post traumatic stress too. I can get intensely suicidal.

Does anyone have any tips for feeling like this and staying safe?

xxxx