i am so glad you posted this thread! I was in a similar situation a year ago.
i couldn't tell if I was the one being abusive, because of all the crap he put in my head. In the beginning of my relationship with my ex partner I had a lot of mental health problems, he would trigger me a lot (do/say things that reminded me of my abusive step father) and i would go in to a rage, and freak out. I went and got help for my issues. tried medication, and counselling. I was going through a lot. At times he was supportive, and other times during our relationship I felt really alone. I never meant to hurt him, I was honestly just really screwed up emotionally. I tried to change my ways, and there came a point in time where I was doing really good. I got a job, started going to counselling weekly, started getting out the house more (I was insanely depressed and anxious back then) and thats when He started hitting me. Because of my past behaviour, I almost felt like I deserved it. So I stayed. He started accusing me of cheating on him, flirting, and when he drank he would take out all his anger out on me. He would tell me I was going to die alone, and no one would want to put up with me, and no one would believe me if i told them he hit me because i was "crazy" I started actually believing his bullcrap. and that's when my depression got worse. I dealt with everything I was going through emotionally by drinking. I wasn't able to really talk to anyone about it. But now that I'm out of that relationship. I can see that he was no saint. He was also extremely abusive towards the end of our relationship. He used my past mistakes/behaviour as an excuse to treat me like crap and beat me later on in the relationship. I'm glad you are out of that relationship. I was stuck living with him as well. I felt trapped. I had never lived on my own before, and I felt so unsure of myself. he was working throughout most of our relationship, and I was on social assistance, at home. My mental health worsened over time. I didn't know my way around the city, and most of my friends were his friends. The cops had to be involved to end our relationship. I ended up being the one who gotcharged. As stressful as having to go to trial is going to be. I am in a way sort of thankful that things happened the way it did. because if he didn't call the police, and I wasn't forced to leave him and stay away from him. I would probably still be miserable living with him.