((PeaceLily))

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this - and so glad you are asking for help here on PC.

I think I can see what you mean about getting hit with the truth of all that has happened to you, but I also think that there is truth that you are not seeing so clearly. One part of this other truth is that you have come through those experiences with an understanding that you were abused and misunderstood, and are now in a position where you can make decisions for yourself.

In terms of the therapist, it doesn't sound as if you are getting what you feel you need, so perhaps it might be worth finding a different one. I don't have any experience with that sort of thing, mind you, but the whole point of having therapy is to get better, and carry on getting better, and if that isn't happening I think something needs to change.

I'm not really sure what to suggest in terms of immediate advice. I have times of trying not to entertain suicidal thoughts as well; sometimes if they aren't so bad I can distract myself by playing games like solitaire or 2048, but at other times it's harder and that doesn't work. I try and talk to myself logically, saying that it won't be so bad later in the day, or tomorrow morning, or set myself targets of not thinking about it for half an hour, or two hours, or whatever. When it's been worst I have tried to get hold of a friend - once I rang someone who knows how bad it can get and just asked her to talk to me - I couldn't talk without crying and crying made it worse. Maybe coming here to PC is similar.

You can come here and vent any time, or just post about anything. There are lots of people who understand what you are talking about and who want to help you to hang on. You can do it, I'm sure you can.


Bluegrey