It's a difficult situation. There are a couple of things my husband sometimes does which I have only recently realised remind me of an abusive event when I was a child. I haven't ever liked them but until now I could cope with them ok, it was fine and if he enjoyed it then there was no problem. But over the last few months memories of the abuse have started to surface and now I find these things much harder to cope with. I know he wouldn't want to do things that upset me, and there are lots of things we can't do now anyway because my rheumatoid arthritis has made me so creaky so it feels horrible having to mention not liking something.

I have tried to explain a bit a couple of times and he has listened, but I think he doesn't yet understand that I'd rather leave these things for a long time, perhaps always - maybe he thinks it's temporary. Maybe it is, I don't know.

I can understand you feeling worried about this, and I can sympathise with the chronic pain causing problems too. At the moment I'm on fluoxetine which basically stops me feeling randy or excitable at all, but I still really enjoy the closeness and cuddling part of sex.

If you can find a suitable time to chat about things with him, when he is feeling relaxed and you aren't feeling stressed, I think it would be worth doing. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced csa can really understand on an emotional level, but it should be possible on an intellectual level - especially if you can gently mention one or two examples of some alternatives you and/or he could do instead?

I really feel for you - I know you love him and don't want to hurt him, but you need him to understand how not to worry you as well.


Bluegrey