I started working at this new job. and actually it's all fine.
but after two weeks now I collapsed crying and wishing to die instead of returning to pointless work every day, that's erasing all meaning in my life, all things that used to be fun or interesting, social contacts and will to continue.
don't know what to do. I will have to do some work. why is it so exhausting? I could do the same thing on the computer at home on my couch for 14 hours a day and I'd be fine. but if I have to get up early, be there and stay there for the whole day. I just feel drained of all the energy my body had left for the day and I barely manage to get myself home and into bed. just to get up again and start the same thing again, and again, and again until I'll be dead some time. I hope that is soon. I don't want to do this anymore.
all the time I am alone and want it to stop. there will never be another person around who is going to give me a hug and comfort me. because I am just disgusting to other people. at the end of the day I return to my lonely apartment. I imagine myself to die of some accident at home that I will have while trying to fix a shelf standing on a ladder and falling or I will touch a broken power cable. I will be embarrassed of some things I leave behind including my disgusting body. but anyway.
I am ashamed I feel like this because everybody has to work. and nobody can complain about it. but I am this spoiled princess who rather wants to die than work. I do. and all the things I would like to do or wouldn't bother me too much don't count as real work. it's not work. things I do that don't get payed are no real work. and if I can spend 14 hours on them it's my business and nobody else's and I am still lazy because I cannot stand real work and always start crying in my car on the way home. or in my car on the way there. I haven't been sleeping much. I have to get up early to be there in time. but I cannot fall asleep early enough to get enough sleep. I get isolated from all people I know. because I don't have time and energy left to see them.
if this is life I want it to stop. my T is leaving me soon. I don't feel alright. I am not ready to be alone. I think if I have to deal with this alone I want to fail.