You really don't understand, I don't expect you to understand. I mean I only made this post and most likely expecting superficial answers. I cannot really have any way to vent... I get yelled at by everyone.. I take everything out on myself. I show my confidence and use it as a screen. I'm not trying to be fake and no one thinks I'm fake, I feel I'm fake, I'm coping the best I can..

You aren't in my shoes, I've said to so many people who get so hard on me, and don't ever understand or look at my perspective. Have no idea how hard I have it... I choose to smile and put up with everyone's ****. Then blow up and tell them all to **** off, because they aren't doing anything but bringing me down... Then I am currently dealing with a constant loneliness. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I used to be having lots of "friends" to no one. I'm happy they are gone, but I am more realizing, that it's not over. I'm still isolated as I was before, I wanted someone anyone to show I'm not so alone..

I hate explaining this, I do, it makes me feel worse about myself and everyone who gives me this "tough love" needs to piss off.. I do that to myself all the time already.

I did it when I was beaten all the time and raped.. I'm struggling entitlement to my own happiness, many days I shouldn't feel happy, but I choose to, but many days when I should be happy. I still choose to, but always always being told I should build my confidence up.

I'm lonely because everyone who wanted to help me, chose to be ignorant putting me in a box deciding to leave me alone what they perceive is safe and good for me and not what I want. It was never what I want or needed. It's always about them..

I had grown up having no one, a whole town telling me how worthless I am, going through this damn story over and over again. Trying to show I'm not lying, I'm not something what people want to perceive and every time they get it wrong. I'd rather want to die, because I'm not a coward to my own feelings. I beat my feelings up and pick myself and then try to get courage to go through the day.

I am only wanting to die, because I want control.. When others like to come in and force me into this state to make me suffer more in their minds, but I'm not. I can survive loneliness.. When I needed people to support me they were never there always telling how I can't be good enough. You are saying what they are saying, and they choose to believe it's something else and it isn't

It makes me angry., but I can't be angry, because I should expect you or anyone else on here to be as ignorant about me. It's not a bad thing, but it's what I hate about myself.. No matter how many connections I've made, I hate my relationships with everyone. It feels always empty, it feels like I'm never heard and something I've wanted all my life has never came. I've accepted it may never come ever...

Someday I'll kill myself when I know I will have to be put in a hospital and that my life is in someone else's hands. That will never happen. I will die my way and only by my hands, and no matter who was confused about why I was so sad deep down.

They will never know, because they don't want to know they don't care to know and I don't care to involve myself with others who don't care about me.

Telling me I shouldn't feel my feelings.. I'm stubborn and hateful of people like that, because I know I make mistakes, but it's all they focus on...

I constantly beat myself up and hallucinate everyone telling me how worthless I am, it can get so bad when I visually see my perpetrators hitting me like before and trying to hurt me like they did before almost ending my life, but not yet because they want me to suffer in their torture methods more in a masochistic way...

You think, if you felt like that. You wouldn't know who to believe. You wouldn't know what to feel. Knowing what death was like 4 times and being alive grateful and confused and angry of no justice no support no love and so you do what you can do fill it with loving yourself, but when it's not enough at certain times and you want to feel you're aren't so alone and you get comments like, "well if you aren't happy why should anyone be happy with you." all the time. You wouldn't know how to accept yourself after awhile, I mean you'll be grounded in who you are, but if you wanted to do something with another person talking, making plans, or feeling like they want to with you is non existent for things constantly out of your control. You'll lose your mind too.

Like that, you'll end up like me talking to walls, eventually being so used to the solitary confinement you'd rather speak to objects and things that are relevant even if abnormal to yourself before.

You don't know. You shouldn't assume. I'm losing weight, because I'm not happy. It's a form of me trying to ask for help... I don't have people who really want to be my true friend, many people wanted me dead. I made stupid choices at a party with drugs and people left my body to die and freeze to death in 29 degree weather with a 14 degree windchill. I was lucky a stranger took me home. I wasn't conscious or moving. I don't even remember it, except being told that. I'm so grateful and so cynical and hurt, because of people who really didn't support me and labeled me. I'm suffering and taking it out on myself just to have some control.. I had a rare neurological disease that should of killed me on my 16th bday I remember everything going black and slow when my lungs were hard to use and my body was going into my very first cardiac arrest from my brain not sending the signals of my organs to work. My muscles, stomach, bladder and everything stopped. The antibiotics barely saved me, I'm still suffering a movement disorder and psychological trauma from it. I'm scared of hospitals and prefer killing myself and dying outside of one.. I fear living more than I fear death..

I choose to be happy, because I don't have any othe choice. So please don't come here thinking you know all the answers you don't and you know it.. That wasn't a hard truth it was pure ignorance.