I'm used to that labeling from my family, my sister, my friends and they started off being like that and then they were abusive and treated me as a disabled person. I was always called retarded all the time. So hearing that, just triggers me. Sorry.. I made stupid choices in my life before and learned from them, I don't date, because of my last ex was an alcoholic, that wasn't my problem, but she forced her issues on me and it scared me. So I know what you mean by what you said, but you don't know and have insight and that is my fault.

I'm devastated and just want someone to love me and accept me, and so I'm not always staring at nothing hoping something will appear from it. I make things happen out in public, people say positive things to me, but I don't trust it, because I feel many people either don't care which is normal and doesn't bother me, but I'm really talking about they want to take advantage and use me till I'm nothing of use to them being very very sneaky.. I'm extremely skeptical and tell the blunt truth to others, but when someone tells it to me, it doesn't shock me, because it's not true.. I try to learn their side more than mine, and get lost finding myself confused and going back hating myself.

Nothing gets accomplished except a constant cycle of being given attention trying to put my effort to show I care and then always get abandoned. It's life, I get it, but it shouldn't mean I shouldn't feel upset. I'm stronger from the situation, but it doesn't mean I'm not incapable or disabled when I feel my worst. I lost my child as an abortion from a very horrible ex who never wanted me except for a booty call, she always said she loves me after hitting me and telling me how worthless I am. I didn't expect this to ever happen to me in my life ever. I let her in not knowing how abusive she was. I fear letting anyone in, it's like no matter what risk, it's always been someone who wants to destroy me and let them take what they want.

Just stop and think, before thinking I can do something about the traumatic feelings, because I've made those choices and pushed people away and attracting people in off and on. Constantly struggling, because I hate feeling alone no matter who has came into my life. I enjoy the company, but nothing came out of it. Just disappointment all I can do is push on and hope someone comes by that fit what I truly need, but that hasn't happened.

If someday if it never happens. I'll end my life, and I won't be sad or cowardly because people rather label an illness or someone's tough situation a crutch or a disability. I hate being treated like that, you made me feel like that whether you intended to or not...

It will be where I'm the most happiest moment when I'll die some place far away from the states alone and appreciate the nature of where I'm at before passing on.