Quote:
Originally Posted by yettymonster
Hi people
I am 20 years of age and was put in care by the age of 4. i was with foster parents and in children homes growing up and have always thought of life as a dark place. I have no family to rely on or never had love in my life. i have resonantly been diagnosed with Emotionally unstable personality disorder and i am on medication for this which was helping until i met my new girlfriend. I have had 2 serious relationships previously and my trust issues have pushed them away and destroyed the relationship which left me heartbroken even though I caused it. I constantly accused them of cheating and always thinking everything they said was to hide something or a cover up. I started talking to some girl 2 months ago online and we get on well and she drove to my home and picked me up and we went out had a good laugh and it was going really well, i see her a few more times and she really likes me and i really like her too. but i cant stop saying please don't cheat on me. its so weird because i don't want to be saying it but i cant control it i feel like i have to keep saying it and i no it aint healthy. i have spoke to her about why i feel like this and tried to get her to understand and she re assures me she only wants me and that she wouldn't hurt me or cheat. we are together now but i am on here because i cant control it myself im always doubting her and not trusting her when she has not done anything wrong. she is very independent and i worry 24/7 that i am going to loose her, if i carry on like this i will eventually loose her and im scared of that. can anyone give me any advice on what to do because im going to end up lonely for life if i carry on the way i am. i don't believe when she tells me she loves me i dont believe anything she says. i just don't know what to do. even when i come home after a good time with her i get all down and depressed.
|
Hey...
I think you are doing
remarkably well considering the attachment problems stemming from early childhood and adolescence spent in children's home and foster care.
I am unclear as to what medication is being used for your PD (personality disorder), but I can tell you for sure that the standard of care for your PD includes therapy (T). T is an absolute must. Do not rely on medications alone, or you would never get out if this rut. If you cannot afford individual T, look for group T. Interns charge less than licensed therapists. Some clinics are sliding scale. You must avail yourself of the resources that are out there. At the very least, if you absolutely cannot spend a penny on treatment, sign up for a peer support group - those are either free or carry a nominal charge or require an optional donation.
Note that the old name for your BPD was borderline PD or BPD, so when you search for groups in your area (say on meetup), use both terms. The emotionally unstable is a relative new term and not everybody uses it, although it IS a better term for sure.
That you have already had two serious relationships is a big achievement, given that a string of foster care placements did not give you a good foundation for forming relationships. So basically you are ahead of the curve.
Your insight into self and the problem is very good and you realize that the way you are handling the problem is ineffective and even dangerous (she may run away if she gets tired of your imploring her to be faithful all the time). So in terms of intellectually comprehending your situation, you are perfectly wise.
You just cannot put your wisdom into practice. Is it about right? Would you agree with this assessment? I have some practical ideas but am going to wait until you say whether the only problem is implementation.
Also, switching subject a bit - how many books have you read written by or about people who became successful and prominent despite the fact that they did not have a complete family and spent their childhoods in foster care or children's homes? I think it would be very important for you to read such books, because you'll see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that your childhood is not a permanent scar.
Please tread lightly and be gentle on yourself. You clearly deserve it.
I know a wonderful guy who fostered numerous children, some even disabled. All of them are doing well as adults except for one gal. She got in trouble with the law and now she cannot find a job because of her criminal record. And that is not after a string of foster care placements - she was in good stable hands all the time.
And you had it much worse, but are doing pretty well and, I am sure, will do even better with time, self-work, and therapy! Thanks for joining PC.