Trippin 2.0 -

I'm not sure if I can explain it. There are many parts, and I don't understand it all clearly yet. Mostly, I feel like I just cease to exist around her. She's very superficial and not direct, and... I don't know. It's painful and stressful for me. I feel like I shouldn't need any more justification than that. It's PAINFUL.

And my entire childhood was like that. I didn't matter. The message I got, often said directly, was "leave me alone... don't bother me... don't be an imposition... I don't want to hear it."

I had a brother that was extremely violent growing up. My mother's response was, "that's just what brothers do" and "Ignore him, he just wants attention." There were other things... a couple instances where my mother basically handed me and my siblings off to complete strangers to be looked after. At least once, this did not turn out well... and has pretty much affected the rest of my life (oh yay for "trauma").

This year has already been stressful... one thing after the other, unremitting. My job is getting worse and worse. I've started therapy, but coming from a family that stressed "don't talk about anything" - that hasn't exactly been a happy, fun experience.

I can deal with her in short bursts. I can maintain a phone relationship with minimal stress. When she was working, she would come through my city every few years, and we'd grab dinner one night. That's fine. But I can't deal with feeling like a prisoner in my own home. It's too much. It's MY house. I've worked hard to get myself OUT of my mom's house (and to survive until that could happen!), and to create a life, even if it's not an amazing life, where I could be independent and free of my family's craziness.

I don't live in the same state as ANY of my family. That's not an accident.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Sorry if this came off harsh. I'm struggling a bit yesterday and today. Adding mom issues to the other things going on is just so not helpful

Thanks.