ummm, I want sex from no one. Not my husband or any other man. I am not going outside of our marriage and having sex. He is not going outside of our marriage and having sex. (at least I am pretty doggon sure he is not) So sex outside of marriage is not really an issues.

I have a lot to deal with abuse wise, some of that has come from him in the past. But mostly what I am talking about in abuse that inhibits the NOW is issues from a past rape and the very real likelihood of child sexual abuse and the affect it has on my life still yet.

He doesn't seem to understand that I can't just get over it and become some maniac in he bedroom. I am working on it in T, and with time this stuff will work it's self out. We have been threw alot of stuff together and his abusive ways in the past have not helped me with the sexual issues and relationship issues. We are at the point in this marriage that I am almost ready to walk away. I think I have been gone for some time mentally but have been here physically. I do have sex with him once every 2 weeks. Mainly because he is a man, and men do need sex sometimes. Women to for that matter, just not this woman. Not at this point in time.

I did explain to my H I may never want sex. At this point I can't guarantee I will. If we need to separate for that reason then so be it. I don't expect him to stay for minimal sex. I do know that right now sex is not something I really want and I haven't for a while. I finally got the nerve to tell him IDK it might never happen. I can't guarantee that and I understand if you have to walk because of it. I can't explain what sex does to me as a survivor of rape and abuse. Unless you have been there it is unexplainable. Efforts can be made, you can try to change your outlook, but you cannot change your bodies memories. As hard as it is to believe your body has it's own memories. I can defeat my own brain from time to time, but when my body rejects me and what I am trying to accomplish it is just impossible. I can clarify later if you need me to. I know that sounds a bit odd.