Three years ago I lost my son to social services. There was no abuse or anything like that, I was just so mentally unstable that things couldn't go on the way they were without psychologically damaging him in the long term. I had went to the hospital to get help and because I had no one to watch him I had to place him temporarily in a foster home. I thought when I got out I would be able to get him back. I had to go to court and the judge said I was too unstable and fragile and to come back in six months to reassess. Again too fragile. Another six months, still too fragile. Finally it came to the point where he didn't wanna come back. He's now eight. I cried continuously for the first six months then I became so emotionally detached and empty inside. I haven't been able to deal with it or talk about it since then. If I think about him and start crying, I compose myself quickly because I'm scared of losing control and completely falling apart. I'm scared to be vulnerable because the last time I was, I lost him. The time has come to start dealing with it and I don't know how. What does give me some comfort is that he's with a real family who have their own kids and they fell in love with my son so they decided not to foster any other kids. He's on a farm and is surrounded by animals and even has his own horse and takes lessons. He plays in organized sports and has many friends. He's doing so much better then he was when he was with me. I would have never been able to provide him such a stable life so im grateful that hes in such capable hands. But I have a tremendous amount of guilt and i often wonder, what if I could've been different and I'm so ashamed that I wasn't able to function normally and take care of him properly. I feel like such a failure and have completely withdrawn socially and am only now trying to reach out and work through this. I know I haven't lost him in the sense of death, but that's what it honestly feels like. The grief is so overwhelming that I've blocked everything out and became so detached. How do I work through this?