Dear social, I am sorry for your loss. Grieving is something that happens naturally over time as we are able. You made a good choice by choosing PC because there are many forums and articles that can help give compassion and direction.

I too have suffered through the blame game. I had to focus on what I did right in order to let go bit by bit of what I wished I had done differently.

Your son is lucky. He got a second chance and perhaps some day when he grows up he may seek you out. Now you have a second chance. You can build yourself a stable life. You can stop blaming yourself. Mental illness is an illness. There wasn't something wrong with you, you got sick. And now you are getting better.

You may need the help of medicine and or a therapist to stay on a stable path. That is always good to have a health care professional that can see you and you can talk to as you change and medication needs to be adjusted or new things bubble up that need to be talked about.

Lifestyle changes can be a positive contribution to feeling better.
Yoga ( search youtube adrienne complete beginners)
Walking
Gardening or chores
Exercises
Mindfulness

You have many talents inside. Finding a way to let them out can release a lot of pent up energy.

Well, again, welcome to PC.