I've been diagnosed bipolar for the better part of three years now and for the most part my medication combination is working. I work a full time job. I'm going back to school in a few months. For all intensive purposes I am a high functioning contributing member of society. Or at least that is what I thought until my sister came home the other day and started spouting things off. She was talking with one of her friends about how there isn't enough support for mental health and so on and that basically she thinks of herself as my care taker and that she is responsible for me. She also feels like my depression meds aren't working because I'm "always tired" and never want to do anything with my friends anymore. She also went on to tell me that she thinks I should have been hospitalized over six years ago and that I'm really lucky my mother never had the nerve to put me in one of those places.

Of course she says all of this like it doesn't matter. Like it's nothing. Like it's so easy for me to hear and understand and accept. Like she isn't carving out my insides with every sentence.

I tried to explain to her that I will figure everything out so that I will never have to go off of my medicine. I tried to explain to her that the reason I don't want to do things with my friends anymore is because they only like me when I'm drunk and manic and up for anything and I don't want to be like that anymore so I just avoid the situation completely. I tried to tell her that I'm always tired because a few months ago I tried switching medicines for my insomnia and so far we've switched three times and nothing is working so I'm not sleeping and when I do sleep I'm not sleeping well and then going to work everyday with the job I have makes me tired. And yes, sometimes too tired to stay up late watching boring tv shows with her.

I tried explaining all of this, but none of it seems to sink in. She wants me to be open with her and to talk to her when I need to, but it seems impossible to talk to her about any of my problems because she just doesn't understand them in any reasonable way.

Does she really want me to talk to her about how I hate taking medicine to be normal and I'm scared about the fact that I may just have to be medicated the rest of my life?

Does she really want me to talk to her about how I'm so terrified to have a second date with someone because then I'll have to tell them and explain to them how I'm not crazy, not anymore, and I promise promise I won't freak out on them, but they leave anyway?

Because honestly I'm not sure she really wants to hear about any of it. And I'm worried she'll just use my fears as reasons to commit me later.

I need advice. Thoughts. Encouragement.