Hey everyone. I have been slowly slipping into the worst depression I've ever had. I appreciate if you read my post. I'm going to just dump all of my feelings on here and hope for the best. I never ask for this sort of help, but I really need it. I hate living like this.

I remember a long time ago when I was young I had what I see now as depression. I was probably no older than 15 when I was going through this. It's been 10 years or so since then so I'm going off what I can remember.
Anyway I remember feeling really unhappy for months at a time. For a while I had it in my head that my parents were poor because of me. I remember feeling dreadful at the thought of it. What I do know is that my parents really didn't put in any effort to talk to me about it. I think I would play video games to get my mind off how I felt. So they might have had no idea I suppose.
Anyway, after some months/year I think I let it slip at one point that I thought they were poor. Sure enough they convinced me otherwise. Not sure if that was what did it, but I do remember a period of feeling good. It lasted a pretty long time too.

Over the next years I went through problems here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. Typical teenage stuff. I do remember a big issue for me in grade school was that a good friend of mine and I stopped being friends. I think his mother and mine were in some sort of disagreement and that meant we couldn't hang out anymore. I remember feeling awkward even being around him. There was a tension that I can still sort of feel when I look back.
After years of this, we eventually patched things up. We never really talked about what had broken up our friendship.

Then in I think it was the later years (potentially the last year) of high school my parents split up. This was significant to me because I could slowly see their relationship breaking apart over the span of a few years. I could tell that my mom was no longer interested in the marriage by the way she looked at him. The things she said. The way she avoided him so often. Every time I would see my dad and mom together i would feel an intense sadness. I remember they would argue sometimes and then both declare to myself and my siblings "you know your dad and I would never get a divorce" or "don't ever worry about us getting a divorce" they were able to convince me for a short period of time before the words meant nothing. I remember thinking that in some way I helped cause their marriage to be in the state that it was then.
Well fast forward to them splitting up. I remember where I was and what I was doing. They walked into my room and sat down next to me as I was playing Mass Effect. I knew exactly what they were going to say as they have never once both come to talk to me together like that. Well they broke the news and I remember feeling nothing. I idly listened to them explain how it was for the best and how we all still love each other. They left the room and I kept playing. It bothered me but I was shielded from the feelings by playing this game. It was only my older sister coming to see me crying that made me feel any emotion towards it.
The odd thing is that I think I knew it was for the best. And I know now that it was definitely the right thing for my parents to do. They are both infinitely happier with their new partners. But I feel like I should have had some emotion. And there was nothing, even at that age.

By this time I started noticing some odd feelings. I was starting college and I could feel some distance between me and my parents. I mean I can't remember the last meaningful conversation I've had with either of them my entire life. It was now that the mundane conversations felt like I was talking to a stranger. Like I didn't have or want to say anything more than the absolute minimum.
Not sure if this is of any use but my first girlfriend cheated on me early in the relationship. I remember getting no advice from my dad (at least nothing that I can remember) and my mother was okay with me wanting to try to keep the relationship going. Looking at it now, I think this is a factor that plays in to the issues I have now. (I'll get into that soon)

After that relationship ended over a year later I tried to get her back, failed, then moved on. I was back to feeling good though. Still weird with my parents, but I don't remember feeling depressed.

--- Fast forward 5 or so years to this year.

I feel like it has been a long, but gradual fall into depression. I see others being happy and I wish I could be like them. I work with really smart people who have years of experience and I feel inadequate. I feel like I shouldn't even be there. I will spend hours of a day almost paralyzed by the fear of my inadequacies at work. Part of me knows I can do it, the bigger part keeps comparing myself to others at work.

My relationship with parents is noticeably bad. I can be hanging out with a friend and in a good mood. We can visit my mom and in an instant I will feel depressed. It happens every time I see either of my parents. I feel this dread that comes over me and I just want to leave the moment it comes over me. And that feeling follows me until I get to sleep.

I feel like I cannot focus on anything. I know my mom has this sort of behaviour. I feel like the more I saw her starting projects, then never finishing them, the more I started acting like that. I hate this trait.

One of the biggest issues that I want to tackle is that I feel almost ashamed to say hello to people, or to acknowledge them when I see them. An example is that in the morning at work, outside of the 3 guys I work with, I feel like everyone hates me and that if I say hello to them in the morning it is only going to draw attention to me and make them hate me more. I mean I know it's dumb and makes absolutely no sense, but I still can't stop that feeling. Even if people are cheerful towards me one day and initiate a hello one morning it does nothing to stop the feelings the next day. I know for a fact my personal and professional relationships are suffering because of this.

I'd say another big one is that I hate being criticized or complemented. My parents were never hard on me, but then never praised me often either. So I am afraid to 'put myself out there' or to do my best for fear of failing. I feel like if I do average work then if I am criticized, my mind will tell me "well this was just average on purpose. if you really tried that means it would have been amazing" Some sort of defence mechanism or something. It's odd because I am confident that I am great at so many things, yet I produce average results and my subconscious always reminds me that if I just tried as hard as the other guy then my work would be so much better.
Then there's the compliments. I feel unworthy of anything good anyone has to say about me. I can't remember the last time someone has said "good job" and I have replied with "thanks". My go-to ways to brush off compliments are "oh no problem" or "its nothing". I notice myself do it, but I don't know how to stop it. I think I'm lacking self esteem.

---

Thanks for anyone who read through this. I really, really do need help. I've never admitted it in person because I just can't. I feel like nobody I know would even take the time to listen. I don't have friends that I can open up with. My girlfriend included. I feel like I'm missing so much in here to get any accurate response but I'm trying to just get as much down as I can. I know there are people on here who are in much more dire a need of help than I am. But I do hope to get some responses.

-pent