Quote:
Originally Posted by Bipolartist
I go through phases where I'm fine, I say, "Meh, oh well, I did bad things in the past when I was manic. Nothing I can do about it now but move forward." But now here I am today remembering back two years ago to the day I had my favorite cat in the world put down and I've been crying all day at my desk at work. I think I have a little winter depression going on.
But looking back, he was very sick for a long time and probably would have died within a few days. But he was comfortable at home. The whole thing had me so upset for months, watching him wither away. Then one day I came home from work and I got into an absolute panic. He couldn't walk, he was a mess. I was so upset and got all worked up into a manic fit. I dragged the cat from under the couch, shoved him in a cage, and took him to the vet and had him put down. He was so scared. Why didn't I just let him die at home in peace?? I will regret this for the rest of my life and I don't know how to get over it.
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Hey there... I feel exactly the same feelings you feel, but the situation was the exact opposite.
It is too hard to go back and relive the memories... J. died in 2006 and I regret NOT taking him to the vet to be put down. He hid and died in hiding, alone, in the space under the house. Sick, dying animals often do that - they go in hiding and die there.
I would much rather have been with him all the while. The thought of his dying alone - and he was a traumatized cat, both physically (leg fracture) and emotionally (he needed diapers - I do not know what happened to him when he was with prior owners) - is one of the darkest "avenues" that I try not to walk in my own mind.
See - there is no good way. Either way you end up sad and consumed by deep regret. I would have much rather been able to pull J. out of his hiding place under the house (when we approached the place, he would creep further away, deeper, and my now ex H found him dead eventually); I would have much rather he get instantly frightened but then safe realizing that it was me and that with me relief would come to him.
No good way. Please have compassion for yourself. Some of the compassion you feel for the kitty who went can be refocused on you. You are also a sick animal, after all.