To start off I have always been extremely reluctant to take anti-depressant medication. I just hated the idea I had in my head that I would be mindlessly happy because a pill made me when in reality I wasn't. Which essentially is exactly what this medication has made me feel like. My doctor prescribed this to me about a week or two ago because I told him about the extreme amount of anxiety I am having due to alot of stressful medical issues I am dealing with. He doesn't necessarily know how depressed I am or that I even am depressed but I feel he some what knows but I haven't told anyone how dead I actually feel. I have always had pretty bad anxiety but with these medical issues it has inhanced it so severely it felt I was loosing my mind and that my thoughts were so scrambled and confusing. So I have only been on it for a week or so but I feel I have noticed some changes.
I sort of feel kind of blank inside. Like emotionless most of the time and maybe even a false uprising feeling in my chest its strange to describe. I am sort of mindlessly happy and smiley at times and its almost like I catch myself in these moments and I'm kind of confused at myself. Some times alot of my thoughts come back to me about why I am so unhappy and it makes me extremely sad for a moment but then it just doesn't hit me all the way through if that makes sense. And I kind of hate that because i'm left feeling a nothingness but aware that inside me I'm really upset. When I see something I find beautiful or meaningful it doesn't really hit me how it did before. Like before I really would appreciate it and just be amazed and still sad but in like a good way like atleast something is beautiful and not ********.

I used to long for a relationship alot more and how amazing that would be for someone to genuinely care about me but I think in a way with this it took the beautiful meaningful bits out of my mind a little and left me kind of seeing I can't even envision myself in a relationship... And this thing would usually haunt me so deeply like the thought I was less of a person or just so different but now I am hit with a nothingness.

I mean I guess it's doing what its suppose to and it maybe even sound good for some people but I just don't like it. Like I am probably going to sound like a piece of **** for saying this and ungrateful or whatever but I don't want to be mindlessly happy for no reason or atleast because of a pill. I know i feel completely alone and different and angry and all of the above but I want to be happy because I have someone or people in my life that care about me for me. I want to be happy because I am no longer alone. I don't want to be happy just because I'm taking a pill that makes me feel sort of dumb and blank.

I also get it could still be a good thing in certains ways but I also haven't noticed that huge of an impact on my anxiety only my depression. And I suppose if I were to just not think thoroughly about the lack of emotion I feel I would be fine but I over think everthing and don't like the way that sounds anways to just ignore all deep and genuine thoughts. I just feel for some reason it takes a little bit of meaning out of relationships in some way. I can't describe it accurately and maybe I have some made up ideal in my head.

Basically I would just like to know if any of this makes sense to you or if I just sound selfish and don't want to be happy. Should I stop taking this? and does anyone who has or is taking this feel similar or gets were I'm coming from?