I am so sorry for all your struggles. I for years reached out to god myself and believed with my whole heart that he could heal me. I am a good person, why wouldn't he want me to be whole and happy? but that healing has never come. it is not that I haven't seen evidence of him working in my life, I have, but not the healing I so desperately want, to make me whole. to remove all this pain and devastation from my life. so I am left to believe he wants me to suffer for some reason. and for this I am angry and him. so if he has abandoned me, I have abandoned him. it hurts to much knowing he doesn't want to heal me, take care