Saw my T yesterday. He said he should have got a better handle on things at the meeting then he did. He agreed it did not go well. But he said I brought up some excellent points through all of this and I made people take notice. I told him I wasn't just thinking of myself here. I was thinking how so many people with mental illness don't have a voice. Maybe it was clumsy cry for help but at least I made it. I am extremely depressed and triggered by all of this because I have only two more visits left with him. I also feel ashamed for causing such a fuss.

My T assured me that he is not going to the moon or anywhere else. As long as he's at my clinic I think I'll be able to see him, but not with any long term therapy because the program there isn't set up for it. But he is officially my primary care counselor.

My abandonment issues are extremely severe. The emotional pain right now is pretty much unbearable. Saturday was so bad I started cutting again. I haven't done that since I was 13. It was either that or beat my head against the wall.

I put my name on a wait list for counseling at a women's health clinic. It's low fee and long term but I don't know if I'll trust another T. My T and I talked about transference with a woman counselor because of my mom's severe abuse towards me. I thought of that but what else am I going to do now. I have to see someone. I can't do this alone.