So yesterday I met with my therapist and I always felt that she did not understand how bad I felt. Maybe a little but never the whole deal no matter how many times I've talked to her. Well, yesterday I broke down and cried (like I usually do) and told her how I felt about myself everyday. She asked if I wanted to die and I said Yes. Then things got serious and I asked her if I had depression and she said yes. She said I've had it for many years now and so I'm able to do the thing where I can pretend I don't have it and go on with my day.
This gave me so much information. Think about it. As a person haunted with doubts, not knowing if I had depression and thinking maybe I'm just sad but not depressed, or maybe I'm just focusing on the sadness way too much, or maybe if I just stay positive it will go away.
It was extremely hard to not know why I was feeling this way for years but now things are clearer. I understand that the way I'm feeling is so valid and not to be overlooked.
The reason I didn't know I had depression was because I wasn't sure that I had it because I compared my life to other people's and thought I get up from bed everyday, I'm able to laugh and find happiness, I'm able to do things that other depressed people can't. So I assumed I didn't have it. It was very hard......

But now I know I have it and I'm not happy about it. I do this thing where I can pretend I don't have it and pretend everything is okay (especially in front of people). I do it so I don't get extremely depressed and breakdown even though the depression always lingers within me.

I told my mom about it and she thinks it's because I'm lazy and I don't go to the gym and I don't have many friends anymore. Idk I don't think that's true. It's because I have such a sensitive soul and I've been hurt for so long that it's unstoppable to not be depressed anymore.

Anyway, hopefully she makes an appointment with the doctor because then I can get medication. I am excited for the medication because I've always wanted it but wasn't sure if I am able to even get it. But now I know I can because I need it.

I think what we all need is someone trustful and wise to talk to. Therapist of course but also like loving friends or a family member. For me, I used what I had and talked to my friend online that I barely know but did it anyway. Just because it made me feel less alone and less by myself.

So yeah. If you are feeling sad, we are in this together. We don't need to die. We can fix this life and be strong and let us die in a natural cause not because of our actions.